According to me...

Change

2011-03-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here, possibly because there's not a whole lot going on. Weeks, months have gone by where days seem to run together. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. Not much else, aside from a nice weekend spent up at the Mt. Adams lodge for some quiet, non-internet time, xc skiing, reading by the fire, and stopping at Bonneville Hot Springs for some spa relaxation.

I was thinking the other day about being adaptable to change. Generally I think I embrace change fairly easily (unlike my mother, for example) but upon further reflection I am determining this to be a lie I tell myself. I have had the same job for 6 years, I have lived in the same house for 10 years, and I drive a car I bought in 1998 that has 255,000 miles on it. Change? What is that? I have even had the same cell phone for 3 years, which is just unheard of in this day & age.

Why the resistance? No answer there. Comfortable, familiar things are good, and maybe when I do take a leap of faith on something, or any kind of risk, it doesn't seem to work out so well. Could be one explanation. The other is that I am THE slowest person to make decisions, and the worlds best procrastinator. It takes me years of thinking, planning, considering, weighing options, etc. to make any kind of major change.

In the past year alone I've considered moving to a condo and selling my house, buying a different car, going on a cycling trip to New Zealand, and training for a triathlon. Yet, I did none of those things. Not a single one.

Just lastnight when hearing people talk about their travels, I remarked that I'd been to Hillsboro, and then I thought, why is that? Why don't I ever go anywhere? Well, I've been to California to visit family, but that's about it other than traveling in-state over the past year. I'm envious of my Intel friends who take sabbaticals. I was talking to a fellow cyclist the other day who is taking some time off just to enjoy life. What a concept! So lastnight, I decided to take my own sabbatical. When? I don't know yet.

Then today, an opportunity came my way that I don't think I'll be able to pass up, it just seems like good timing (I hope) and a wonderful thing to do. Italy. In May. On a bicycle. Think Tuscany, Umbria, winding roads, gelato, pasta, bruschetta, olives, wine. Oh and a tiny bicycle race that happens to be going on in Italy during May, the GIRO.

How can I say no? Best part - I have to decide by TOMORROW. I think that's a done deal.

New choices

2010-12-22T14:51:00.001-08:00

2010 has been a different kind of year. It really seems like it flew by quickly. Not a whole lot of it really stands out for me as I look back. In the Spring I became excited about a potential trip to New Zealand and focused on saving for that. Then when it became apparent that it wasn't going to happen, it was quite a letdown. But, there was Cycle Oregon, which had its moments. It wasn't all bad, and really it's not a bad thing to say you rode 400 miles on your vacation (for me anyway).

Towards the end of this year, I am choosing different things to avoid the holiday slump I usually get myself into. My patterns of laziness and working late have resulted in some weight gain and decreasing self-confidence. Time to make a conscious choice to do more and eat less. Simple as that. But I need to be held accountable, I need to commit. These things don't just happen because I will them to. So instead of dwelling on how disappointed I am that I let this happen, and continually berating myself for it, I choose to look ahead. What's done is done. Go forth and be healthier.

I am choosing to spend a few days with my family this year, which is different from what I usually do. While traveling may be stressful, I will remind myself that it always works out and that it's okay to be unselfish and give up a few quiet days at home to celebrate with my family for a change. I'm sure it will be fine.

Another exciting choice I am making is embarking on a whole new and different line of work next year. While I will still be working semi-full time at the job I've held for 5 years, I'll take on part time responsibilities with a new digital marketing agency. I'm super excited to work with people who are passionate about their work and to put to use all the reading and research I've been doing over the past several months.

So to myself, I say let this old year go. It's time to look ahead to the new one, with optimism, enthusiasm, and ... maybe just one nostalgic photo of my sweet Bubba (Morrison) from 2007. Merry Christmas.

Change of scenery

2010-11-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

Driving home from Astoria yesterday, I impulsively turned on Hwy 47 and chose to take that route to Hwy 26 instead of taking Hwy 30 all the way to Portland. It was actually kind of an adventure, a twisty, turny, middle-of-nowhere road where there isn't much to see but I found it to be just what I needed. It was growing too dark to see colors, but I knew the trees were pretty. At one point, a deer bounded across the road, thankfully far enough ahead of my car to allow me time to slow down & watch as it easily cleared the fence on the other side the road and continued on its way. I also may or may not have seen an elk, but didn't turn around to investigate. It was dark enough to require the use of the high beams, which were politely switched off each time I saw the lights of an approaching car. No radio signal so I listened to a cd. It probably took longer for me to go home that way, but I didn't mind. I was in no hurry.

My sister recently drove my mother & her care nurse to San Diego to stay at her apartment for a few days. We both thought the change of scenery would do mom some good. As is typically the case, nothing ever turns out exactly as planned. Driving takes longer than anticipated, plans for activity are too exhausting to mom to be carried out, and three people in an apartment, cooking, sharing one bathroom and watching TV is not the ideal situation. I try to help however I can - I call, read and respond to her venting emails, offer support. But I am just here, with a completely different set of scenery.

I was thinking as I turned onto Hwy 47 that it seemed to be the "road less traveled", but it was just spontaneous. Anyway it got me thinking about how I approach things so much differently. My mother is one to take the safe, familiar, easy (well-lit) path, whereas I am more out for adventure and trying something new, at least in comparison. I think this is about hoping that she will choose to sell her house and move to San Diego, which is basically the reason for the trip. But when I talk to her, she seems less than enthused. I tell my sister it's okay to hope, but unrealistic as well. In fact it's best to have no expectations, for as I was told years ago, "expectations are just resentments under construction". (wow). Our mom is very set in her ways. But my sister is about at the end of her rope when it comes to patience, and having to stay at my mom's house for over a month was not exactly a fun time for her. Yet she is entirely capable of it, and takes on the responsibilities, gets mom to her appointments, shops & prepares meals, organizes everything, handles the finances, and ensures mom is receiving proper care. It's really difficult to imagine taking on all of that, I don't think I would be capable of it, certainly not for that long. Yet she does it - and I am constantly reminding her to take care of herself. She has her own physical limitations, and would much rather be at home in her own place, but she is sacrificing a lot to take care of mom. It's kind of a waiting game - and I try to be supportive by calling them both, reminding my mom that my sister is doing the best she can, reminding my sister that our mother is not capable of behaving up to my sister's expectations. So, it's best to be realistic.

Maybe me taking that turn was my attempt to get lost in the maze of dark & twisty roads, to be unreachable by cell phone, to disappear for a little while. Yet here I am, hundreds of miles away, living with a cat (sometimes 2) in my own house, going to work, the gym, to visit friends, to ride my bike, free to come and go as I please. I do not take this for granted.

Things will work out as they are meant to. In the meantime, I am here.

Compassion

2010-10-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

Boy does it teach you about compassion when you see one of your parents in ill health. When my father was in a coma in 1993, that was my focus as I sat in the hospital waiting room reading from the AA book and medical information about his condition that I obtained from the hospital library (this was before Google). It helped me to see the clinical side of things. That approach is helpful now too with having my sister fill me in on all the updates from physical therapists, nurses, doctors, etc.

We are supposed to love our parents, and it's expected that as we age, we will inevitably have to care for them. It was expected that we'd get a call about my mom one day, as we knew she was not healthy and was not taking good care of herself. Sure enough, my sister showed up to visit on Sept. 22 to find my mother on the floor, where she'd been for 2 days after falling and breaking her shoulder. Thank god my sister called 911 right away. I am grateful that my sister arrived when she did, especially since the doctors told her that our mother was badly dehydrated, malnourished and likely would not have lasted another day. She saved our mother's life.

Our mother spent time in the hospital on a heart monitor after a heart attack, and also developed pneumonia. She was too weak to walk. I arrived on Sept. 28, and on Oct. 2, we brought her home. She had been in the hospital since Sept. 22.

It's difficult to see my mother unable to care for herself. She is only 75, and I know there are people her age who ride bikes, run marathons, even finish Ironman triathlons. But my mom is not like that. She has a disease, one she did not choose to have. The same one that claimed my father's life. My hope is that she can gain her strength back and that she will want to recover. For now, she is not smoking and not drinking as per doctor's orders + 24 hour nursing care at home. But we know there is only so much we can do. Addictions are powerful things.

I am just grateful that she is still around. I just called and talked to her - she is in good spirits, having sat out in the backyard for a while today, and is watching one of her favorite cooking shows. After a few minutes she tells me "I'm giving the phone to your sister, I'm tired of talking to you." I know she is just kidding, and respond with "well I love you too, mom." And I mean it. For all her faults, I do. That is my compassion, and unconditional love, for my mother.

Never enough time.

2010-08-26T16:09:00.001-07:00

So as I take a mental break to peruse the interwebs for interesting things to read, today I come upon "30 best hikes in North America". I click on the link and glance at it forlornly. I'm reminded of how much I miss hiking and then my thoughts stray to all the "why haven't I done this" questions. I've never gone backpacking. I've never gone bike touring (thanks to Heidi and Kristin, this is now added to the list of things to do "someday"). I've never been to New Zealand, Italy, or Australia. Or even Hawaii. Sigh.

I could list all my excuses - debt, mortgage, job, bills, pets, nobody to go with pretty much cover it. Basically it boils down to time and money for pretty much everything. Something has to change. It's frustrating feeling stuck - needing to earn an income to pay a mortgage on a house I can barely afford with a yard I no longer enjoy caring for. Could someone in charge of the real estate market please improve things so I don't lose everything when I sell it, and while you're at it, sprinkle some magic dust on my house to make it perfect again? This means eliminate weeds, rust, broken things and sludge in the gutters. Thanks.

Must go buy a Lottery ticket. Now.

Talent, or curse?

2010-07-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Seriously, can anyone spell any more, or use correct grammar? Not a day goes by that I don't notice a headline, web page or some other official corporate-looking communication with an obvious lack of proofreading or editing. Now contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect, and even make an occasional mistake. But I'm not one to even type a word, let alone use it in a conversation, if I don't at least know how to spell it.

Case in point - Bicycling magazine's email today with the subject "21 Ways to Fight Tour Withdrawl". Can anyone see what's wrong with that? I must find some way to let these blatant errors not be so completely annoying. It's not "withdrawl", it's "withdrawal". I must be cursed with the freakish ability to look at a page of text and have all the typos and grammatical errors pop out at me as if they were highlighted in yellow. Even some of the most intelligent people I know can rarely write an error-free sentence.

What can I do with this bizarre skill or talent, or whatever it is? I never wanted to be an English teacher, but perhaps I should have majored in English or continued to major in Journalism as I originally intended. Sadly, I was easily influenced by my father in those days who said a business degree is the way to make money, and so that's what I got. Needless to say, all my written projects and essays were perfect. Well, maybe I thought so anyway.

Now it's been over 20 years since I got my degree, and as my ex-husband will agree, it's really never gotten me anywhere or opened any doors. Still, I made a promise to my father that I had to honor, and I hate to be a quitter. But my desire to obtain an MBA, which began when I was a 19-year old wide-eyed marketing employee of a Bay Area high tech company and working with brilliant people who had MBAs, was never realized. I took a few classes at University of Phoenix but was never passionate about it. My employer-paid undergraduate business degree would have to do.

So here I am, doing data entry and database work for which I have little or no passion or interest. The .999 readers of this blog know there are many other things that I am passionate about. So I use my talents on other things that allow me to be more social, more creative, and more active in the community, and it's all fine and good. But it will change, hopefully, in the near future, if all goes according to plan.

So back to the irritating world of mis-spellings, typos and poor grammar. Years ago someone suggested that I write a book. I'm sure this has been done. I am no English expert, I am simply highly irritated that people with writing professions don't take the time to double check their work or have at least another pair of eyes look it over. So I continue to grumble and complain and email people like Bicycling magazine with links to the correct spelling of the word on dictionary.com. How can I save the rest of the world from this misery?

I just found the best quotation in today's newspaper:
"Man invented language to satisy his deep need to complain" - Lily Tomlin

That just makes my day.

nothing happens in a straight line

2010-06-23T16:40:00.001-07:00

Maybe it's an illusion I have that things should just naturally and continually progress in a certain direction - set a goal, work towards it, achieve it. But I should know from using my own experiences as an example that it is not always like that. Or rather that it's rarely like that. One step forward, two steps back, as they say.

So, I had one goal, but now it's becoming a bit fuzzy. I still want to go to New Zealand, and possibly this year, but now there are so many options that my head is starting to spin, and I'm a bit overwhelmed with trying to make a decision. But I will, it's just a matter of figuring out whether I still want to do a cycling tour (I can get a discount through Pedaltours since my friends know someone who works there!) but I need to decide between the different types of tours offered in December 2010 and Jan. - March 2011. On one hand, it's still great weather there, better than in October, and it will give me more time to save money, get in shape, etc. So, maybe it's a good thing.

Yeah, that getting in shape thing. Monday was the first of four "ride with power" classes at 6am. I actually made it, was awake & coherent (coffee on the drive to NW) and had an awesome workout, the kind where except for the last sprint I was like "wow that wasn't too hard!" So maybe I am getting stronger. I have felt pretty good on my last few rides, but those rides didn't include much in the way of climbing. This Saturday should be interesting. I'll be thinking of Mr. G and how "when the road turned up, he grinned" which I am sure will help me to turn the pedals a bit easier. I will ride for all those who are not here, or are not able to.

It was great getting to work early on Monday, and leaving the office at a decent hour (before dark). What I should have done was drive out to PIR to watch STCX (short track) racing, but what I did instead was my usual pattern - go home, eat, then park myself on the couch to read, and go to bed early. The next day - got up at my usual time. Lame. I was really hoping to start a new "getting up early" pattern. I mean, it's bright outside by 6am - I can't sleep when it's light out. Today I woke up before my alarm went off! But then it's set for 7:00....guess I should move that to 6am.

Today I'm concerned about people - my mom, who isn't feeling well, my sister, who is stressed about preparing to move to a better place to live, my friend Jennifer, who was involved in an accident today, and other friends who have various challenges. All of these concerns I have, combined with the images constantly landing in my email inbox from various organizations - save the polar bears, wolves, abused animals, the oil-covered birds in the gulf - sometimes it's just too much. I don't want to look away, but I cannot afford to donate to every cause. I can, however, be there for my family, and for my friends. I just wish there was more that I could do. I feel like such a hypocrite with the amount of driving that I do and how evident it is from the Gulf oil disaster that we need to reduce our dependence on oil. I do need to cut down on driving (hello, summer bike commuting weather!)

So that's why I feel like there are no straight lines. I'm all over the place... maybe some forward progress here and there, but nothing major. Still, it's all good and there is much to be happy about and grateful for. Now I need to go home and mow the lawn. And it won't be in straight lines.

dreams

2010-06-10T10:05:00.001-07:00

I rarely remember my dreams, but sometimes a sensation from one will come to me during the day. I remember vividly a dream I had about my dog Roxanne after she died in 2007. I was looking out my bedroom window and saw her just walking down the street. She stopped to look back and I called out to her but for some reason I knew she was okay so I didn't rush outside. She kept walking. This was symbolic to me at the time. It's said that our loved ones or pets sometimes visit us in our dreams, and that thought is comforting to me.

This morning all I can recall is a flood, water everywhere, being in a boat, and holding a puppy. At some point I wasn't holding her and had to swim underwater to retrieve her and hold her up so she could breathe. I don't remember feeling in a panic, I was calm, as if I knew I couldn't save her. Sometimes you have to let go. And yes, it still makes me sad, but maybe that's the message.

one step forward...

2010-05-25T18:44:00.001-07:00

Yeah, new perspective, blahblahblah. Sounded good, didn't it? If only I could be more consistent. I do actually feel that optimistic sometimes, but it's rare. Then reality comes crashing down when I actually try to change my current situation, like my job, and nothing comes of it. Or I meet with my realtor who is also a friend, and she advises that I wait. Stuck in the house with a mortgage I can barely afford, stuck in a job that doesn't inspire me to grow or learn. Back to square one. Now what?

Of course I'm grateful to have a job, and a home, but is it so wrong to want more? To want something different, something better? Everyone else seems to have all the answers, those people with their great fulfilling jobs, families, fantastic vacations, and debt-free existence. The list of things I wish were different in my life is just way too long. The list of what I can do about the things on that list - well, it's pretty short.

New perspective

2010-05-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

So finally, a non-grief-related post. You can all (wait, does anybody read this?) breathe a collective sigh of relief and say "it's about time". I know.

In reality, grief never *totally* leaves you, it just takes different forms, and it comes in waves. It's when you are between those waves that you are better able to remember the good things, and to be grateful and live in the moment. This is one of those times. "...and the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life." - Dean Koontz

This morning as I got ready for work, I asked myself some questions:

- what will I do today to reach my goals?

- what will I do today to improve my health & fitness?

- what will I do today to help others?

- how can I save money today?

- how can I improve my attitude?

This will be my new framework for feeling good about the world. Set goals, then break them into tiny daily tasks, and I will derive a sense of satisfaction each time I check something off the list. So, the key is not to get overwhelmed with large goals, not knowing where to start, getting all caught up with over-analysis and indecision, which is what's been my modus operandi over the past few years. Enough of that. I'd rather break things down into smaller steps, get organized, have one centralized list, and work off of that. I can feel like I've accomplished something each day in the major areas of my life that I am working to change.

Which areas are those, you ask? Because you know, everyone thinks I've got life all figured out. Not.

I suppose I should have it all figured out by this age, right? Not even close.

Why? I have regrets. I limited myself in the past by not considering other options. Why have I always thought I needed to own a house, mow the lawn, have a full-time job to pay the bills? Aren't there other choices? Is that really the way I want to live, or is it just "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" or however the saying goes.

Maybe it's turning 50 that has changed my perspective, who knows, but now I'm thinking life is too short to sit around and wonder what to do.

My goals? Well, I need to put them into more specific terms, but I want to regain the fitness I had last year. I want to lose the weight I gained over the winter. I need to get back into resistance training on a regular basis.

I would like to figure out where I want to live and make some progress towards making decisions about that. Sell the house, buy (or rent?) something that allows me to save money each month towards paying off debt & buying a car, instead of spending the majority of my income on mortgage/taxes/insurance/credit cards.

I would very much like to get into a position where the time I spend each day is doing something I really enjoy. The job I've had for the last 5 years, well, let's just say it doesn't provide me with things I enjoy - intellectual stimulation, learning new things, collaboration with peers, and challenging my skills. And it's not as simple as "send the resume out and network". I do that, have been doing that. Changing into a completely different area is a challenge, not impossible, but challenging, and I am working towards gaining experience and knowledge in areas that I am interested in.

So that's this week's report. Over and out.

Little treasures

2010-05-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

I was looking for some other photos and came across this video. I hope this works, I think I took it with my ipod so I had completely forgotten about it until I found it. Now it makes me smile to see how cute and playful Raya was. I prefer to think of her this way rather than her last few days as she became more and more ill. She was such a cute puppy, and would have grown up to be a beautiful dog, had she been healthy. I miss her.

To me, it doesn't seem strange to still be thinking about a lost pet even months or years after their death. It is something that never really goes away. It doesn't mean that I am not able to be happy, because I can still enjoy life, but I will always miss my beloved pets. They have short lives, but their time spent here is a gift. Raya was a little treasure.

Rainbows

2010-05-05T07:48:00.001-07:00

I stopped to buy some groceries on my way home, and as I walked to my car, I looked up and saw a beautiful rainbow. It was one of those rare sights, an ENTIRE arc of color, stretching as far as I could see, from end to end. My mouth fell open as I gazed up at it, smiling. I saw others pointing at it and didn't even realize tears were sliding down my face as I thought of Raya and all my other beloved pets at the "rainbow bridge" (if you've ever read the poem, you know what I'm referring to). I smiled, knowing that that rainbow, at that moment, represented pure love, and I was meant to see it.

A woman got out of her car and walked into the store without looking up. I pitied her. I wanted to get her attention and point to the sky, but words wouldn't come out. I snapped a quick photo with my phone that I'm sure doesn't even begin to do justice to the spectacle in the sky.

A photo of me with Raya

2010-04-26T12:41:00.001-07:00

LJ and Raya
Originally uploaded by Lynne Fitz

Found a photo Lynne had taken during a break from our all-day CPR/First Aid training on March 7th. It is the only photo of me and Raya during her way-too-short life.

I have a crazy idea. Crazy and a little bit scary.

2010-04-20T19:12:00.001-07:00

I think I first saw the post a month or so ago where Heidi said she had no free weekends from now until October and that she and Sal were going to New Zealand. Then she revealed that she was organizing a trip and more details became available. Now I have all the information - dates, itinerary, cost, answers to my questions. So, what's next? Where do I sign up?

I've always wanted to go to New Zealand, primarily because I have friends there who have invited me many times to visit, but it just seems like one of those impossible things I'll only talk about but never actually do. First of all, it's expensive to fly there and takes like 3 days to get there. That's like, far. And I wouldn't go for less than two weeks.

This trip is so cool, it even has its own website.

It's a good time to go. I need this. I need a goal. I need a reason to save, to get in shape. Sure, I'm already signed up for Cycle Oregon in September, but I could do that every year. Going to New Zealand is on my bucket list. That is only for the stuff you want to do before you die.

Seeing the numbers on paper makes it a reality, but is it possible? I'm trying to change my thinking from "no way!" to "YES, it can be done."

But, how? I have a number of ideas.

Start a charity? In this economy? Out of the question.

Have a garage sale? That's more reasonable.

Put together a savings plan? Absolutely.

This has now turned into a campaign to completely overhaul my life. Is it time to sell the house and move to a condo or townhouse? Perhaps. I already drive a car with 210k miles on it, so I hope that it lasts. I'm looking around for things to sell. Skis I no longer use. A tent. Furniture. Bikes? Nope.

The to-do list is being assembled, categorized, revised, updated. What can I do without? How can I save? If you have ideas, or want to hand me a check for $5,000, let me know. Mmkay?

Here's the scary part. How can I afford to take two weeks off? I'm sure I won't have enough vacation time accrued by then. What if I can't get into shape by then? What if I can't keep up?

I adore my cat.

2010-03-30T14:28:00.001-07:00

Levi is the most cuddly, playful bundle of furry personality I could ask for. He welcomes me home by rolling on the floor, which can either be interpreted as an invitation to join him or to pick him up and carry him around while he purrs. He hops into my lap at every opportunity, rubs against my legs, and has to be in the same room I am in at all times. But he also likes to play "find the cat" games and loves to sit in various hiding places while I go looking for him. He is also very inconsistent with his toys. One day he loves the wool mouse, the next, he ignores it and seems repulsed by its presence. Yesterday when batting a new mouse toy I'd brought home for him around the kitchen, he apparently lost it under the stove. I got on my knees with a flashlight, removed the bottom panel of the stove and found a collection of cat toys. I think I took about 6 dust-covered toy mice out of there. Ick.

I think part of why Levi is exceptionally cuddly lately is that he just has to sense that the other furry critter who lived with us all too briefly is now gone. Every day when the puppy Raya got to go to work with me, I'd deposit her into the house when we arrived home and Levi would greet us by rolling on the floor. He and Raya would sniff each other and sometimes the chase would commence. I'll never forget the times Levi would leap over Raya's head to hop up onto the counter in the laundry room, and Raya would bark. Her puppy bark was so cute.

These are things I'd much rather think about than her last few days.

I received a sympathy card from Oregon Specialty Veterinary Hospital. On the back was the schedule for Dove Lewis' pet loss support group meetings. I called to verify the dates, and received a call back from Enid. Today there's a wonderful article in the Oregonian about her. What a wonderful resource Dove Lewis is to help people deal with what many people think should be something you just "get over" by adopting another pet. I'm here to tell you, it's not that simple. It's a process you must go through. Forgive yourself, deal with the guilt, the sadness, the anger. Then you need to replace the images of the pet's last days with those of happier times. You don't want to remember how a pet dies, but rather, how they lived. We do this with humans, so why not for our animal companions? It makes perfect sense to me.

So I'm not ready yet to find another dog. I don't think I was really meant to have one yet, even though I have no doubt that I was meant to take care of Raya during her short life. The next dog will find me, when it's time. Until then, I plan to live my life the way dogs do - in the moment.

progress

2010-03-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

It's slow, but it's there. I'm past the days where the shock of remembering was like a stab in the gut, which has been replaced by a dull awareness, a constant void. But there is less of an ache.
Today, I took her food and treats to Nature's Pet to be donated to Bonnie Hays Animal Shelter. I can't go to the shelter so I'm glad to hear they will deliver it for me. Last time I went there to donate Morrison's food, I left the shelter a sobbing mess after aimlessly wandering through to look at all the dogs and cats up for adoption. Wanting to take them all home, I left with none, and felt empty and sad. I can't put myself through that right now.

Yesterday, I picked up her ashes at the vet, and returned the special food I had bought there. I had learned that Dove Lewis doesn't accept food donations, which I found odd. Anyway the box is identical to the other two I have at home, except it is so tiny and petite. I hugged it to me as I talked to Carrie. I don't have any plans to scatter them anywhere. With my other dogs, it was clear to me that they should be brought to all their favorite places - Soda Peaks Lake, Trapper Creek, Forest Park, Cannon Beach, the park, my back yard. Raya didn't get to go to these places, except for the back yard.

One friend said to me "don't interpret this [losing Raya] to mean that it's not time for you to have another dog - it's time". But I am carefully considering the possibility that it wasn't time yet. I hadn't figured out what to do beyond what I did each day that I had Raya. I thought about puppy classes but hadn't signed up yet. I knew it would soon be too hot to leave her in my car if I brought her to work with me, but hadn't looked into doggie day care centers yet. Just as well. But if I get a puppy next time, I'll have to get all of this figured out first. This gives me time to do that.

Maybe it's really time to change some major things, like where I live, and where I work. These are the big, difficult things. I am not good at big decisions and don't make them impulsively. I can deal with little changes for now, the big ones I have to work up to. I'll get there.

Waves

2010-03-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

I don't plan these posts. They just happen. A thought, a single sentence will pop into my head, or maybe just a word. If I'm in front of the computer, which is usually the case about 80% of the time, I just open up the blog and start typing, just to see what comes out. So the word for today is waves.

In reference to grief - it comes in waves. Remembering our family trips to Santa Cruz when I was a kid, we'd load up the 1966 Buick station wagon in the early morning and head over Highway 17. After unloading coolers, blankets, and food, shivering in sweatshirts, the typical overcast would recede and the sun would gradually warm the air. Eventually, after my sister and I tired of torturing sand crabs or melting styrofoam cups in the fire (yes, we actually did this), we'd strip to our swimsuits and run into the surf.

My favorite thing to do was stand in one place and watch the sand gradually cover my feet as the waves washed in on the beach. I remember feeling dizzy on the drive home as I would close my eyes and still be able to feel the surf. Grief is like this. If I am not paying attention and let my mind go quiet, sometimes it will hit me. Like waking up and realizing that no, there is not an adorable puppy sleeping on my bed, and there is no whack of a tiny tail on the down comforter when I say her name. Wave splashes over my head. I gasp for air as tears slide down my face.

I remember seeing a counselor as I dealt with the end of my marriage. "You're grieving", she said. I insisted that nobody had died, but then realized that a part of me had. We were unable to have kids, and even though I'm totally okay with that now, it made sense back then to grieve the child that never had a chance to be born, to grieve the parent I will never be. Maybe that explains why I have so much extra love to give.

This brings me to a conversation I had yesterday with a child. During our regular speedskating practice, between two sessions of a special introductory "learn to speedskate" clinic, I got on the ice to skate with the kids. They are the sweetest, happiest kids I've ever met. I don't recall hearing any of them complain, and every single time I see them, I get a hug from each one and a thank you for the cookies or brownies I brought that day. So here's my conversation with Gavin:

Gavin: are you a grandma?
Me: No
Gavin: Are you a mom?
Me: No
Gavin: Are you an aunt?
Me: Yes
Gavin: Did you ever get married?
Me: Yes
Gavin: Did you have any kids?
Me: No
Gavin: Why?
Me: I guess we ... forgot
Gavin: Oh.

He skated off, smiling and apparently satisfied with my answers. Now if that conversation had been with an adult, it would have been entirely different. Oh, the innocence of youth. So accepting, so non-judgemental. Here is a kid, maybe oh, 7 years old, who was perfectly okay with the answers he'd been given to the questions of his inquiring mind. He was simply relating his world, one of mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, to this woman who brings us cookies at speedskating practice.

Only I know the sadness behind my answers, the years of accepting my role as a single person in a world of couples and families. But I had to at least be proud that my answers were just a simple yes or no, as nothing more needed to be said. If only it were that simple! If only I could give myself that big, happy, dimpled smile, just for being who I am.

Gratitude

2010-03-19T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to remain grateful for what I was given, instead of ranting in anger for what has been taken from me. Still, I can't help but feel the complete futility of it - the unfairness and cruelty of it all. Seems selfish, really. So I should really focus on the good. But - I don't have enough photos of Raya to even capture the puppy-ness of her. She was such a relaxed, calm dog, except for a few bursts of her playful silly puppy energy. Not to mention those sharp puppy teeth. Unfortunately, that didn't last as she became less interested in food and just wanted to snuggle and sleep. But she still wagged her tail whenever she saw me, even if I had only left the room for a minute. Such a sweet, patient soul she was. How lucky I am to have been given the gift of time with her. How blessed I feel now to be the recipient of sympathy, empathy and love from family and friends.

What made me cry this morning was realizing that I didn't ask anyone to take a photo of me with Raya. But I have those memories with me. She is in my heart always.

Heartache.

2010-03-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

How unfair to have something so incredibly sad to write about before I even had a chance to express the joy I felt during the short time I had Raya, my German Shepherd puppy. She came to me on February 23 at 11 weeks old, when the neighbors who adopted her found they could not keep her due to severe allergic reactions. How can I possibly say no to a puppy? I truly believe that my dog, Morrison, who passed away in January 2009, sent her to me as a gift. I knew that when it was time for me to have another dog, the dog would find me, so I wouldn't have to look for it. The decision to keep her was easy. The decision I made yesterday is one that is probably the most difficult and painful one I will ever have to make. There is simply no way to prepare for it.

I need to get through the shock and pain of grief. To have changed so quickly from the energetic, playful puppy, all wiggles and biting and playing and wagging tail and kisses, to the tired, sick and listless being she was yesterday, is just incomprehensible. The unfairness, the absolute cruelness of it is completely baffling to me. I'd be angry if I wasn't already so damn sad.

I found out that the other puppies in her litter of 8 now weigh around 30 pounds. Raya weighed in at 14 yesterday. Her little body just wasn't strong enough to grow. Her little kidneys didn't develop properly and were unable to filter toxins from her system. Her seizures were powerful and probably painful to her. I don't want to keep that vision in my mind. I'd rather remember her as playing, chasing my cat, or simply standing in my front yard, watching in wonder as people walked by, or listening to dogs bark, watching the birds, or chasing her tail. Such innocence! She didn't even have a chance to be a dog.

Today, I'm barely able to function. I forced myself to make a smoothie for breakfast. En route to my dentist appointment, I called to tell them I'd be late, only to find that the hygenist was going home sick with a migraine. Fine with me. I had decided to drive the back roads to Tualatin anyway, so I pointed my car up Holly Hill.

Wishing I was on my bike, I drove just about as slowly as I would ride if I was on two wheels instead of four. I slowed to peer through the trees at the wing of the 747 that serves as a home, an oddity few people know about. As I turned to look at Mt. Hood, I was also treated to views of Mt. Adams, Mt. St. Helens, and Mt. Rainier off in the distance.
I drove past the stop sign where we usually turn to ride the screaming descent to the Laurel store. Past a winery, I stopped to gaze at 4 does (thinking "doe, a deer, a female deer"). They crossed the road slowly, watching me closely to make sure I was not a threat. They disappeared into the trees as I silently watched, reaching for my camera but taking mental pictures instead.

As the road became gravel, I turned around and followed the curves downhill, then turned onto Laurel leading up to Bald Peak. I drove until I found a place to stop so I could think and have a good cry. Gazing at the blue sky and soaking in the view, I was renewed with a sense of peace. My heart aches for the life lost, but is filled with gratitude for the gift I have been given and for what I have learned. I contemplated spring, rebirth, new life and beginnings. This time of year has always given me hope when the most painful losses in my life have happened during the winter or early spring. Reminders of beauty - blooming trees, fat robins, the smell of flowers blooming. In past years I've watched the world come back to life gradually because I walked with my dogs every day. Today I notice it as a sudden, drastic change in the world, as if to remind me that there IS warmth from the sun, bringing promises of spring and good things to follow.

I listened.
Birds sang.
Dogs barked in the distance.
A plane flew overhead.
The wind was cool and fresh.
Breathe.
Heal.
Live.
Hope.

...and so it continues.

2009-12-18T12:58:00.000-08:00

Walking into the office from my car, I was juggling lunch, newspaper, etc., and dropped my lunch. Great. It was leftover ravioli, and unfortunately was in a corningware dish. I watched it break and walked away. I did go back outside to retrieve the lid and pick up the contents to throw them away. Just typical of the crap that has been happening lately and I am wondering if I could possibly feel any crappier. Is that a word, crappier? I'm not sure. I want things to get better. I do. But I feel, well, crappy, both physically and mentally.

What else can I complain about? Well - there is work. Without going into detail, my work is monotonous and tedious and I don't have any enthusiasm for what I do. But my boss is a friend of mine, frustrating though he can be to work with at times, and I feel a certain obligation to finish out this contract (through 2011). He and his wife are taking me & our one other employee to wine country (like 15 miles from my house) for wine tasting, dinner and an overnight in a bed & breakfast. Sounds good right? Except I don't have a date to bring, so what fun is it to stay in a B&B by myself? Plus I have to be in Vancouver by 9:15am on Sunday for skating practice. Fun. And I am not excited about missing the ride tomorrow, a dry forecast, and the festivities and socializing following the ride. Not only that, but Tyler Farrar, pro cyclist from the Garmin-Transitions team (and only one of the world's fastest sprinters) is in town tomorrow night for a "meet & greet" at River City followed by an invitation only dinner with our team. Oh, and I was invited. So, I'll miss that. Not like I can just skip out on the company holiday thing which was scheduled for this weekend since I HAD planned to go to Bend last weekend. But, I didn't go, as it turns out. Crappy weather forecast + broken pipe in the garage + water/ice everywhere + plumber + water mitigation company + one disaster after another = blech. I am so tired of complaining. Then I get this cheery email from the ex which I'm copied on. Please. I can't take any more of this positive Holiday hallmark crap. Make it stop.

Complain-a-thon, part two.

2009-12-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

So. Where was I? I did go work out lastnight, and as I literally ran pushing my bike & carrying my stuff to get to the building after parking my car, I stepped ankle-deep into a huge puddle. Shit. Once I got inside I went out to the car for an extra pair of socks. Made it once more through class on my rollers. Nobody talks in there, it's weird. Are they in some kind of no-talking zone? I'm all making fun of myself and trying to enjoy it when we were doing the coordination drills, which I completely suck at. Poor Lara, she was probably trying really hard not to laugh. Here is this overweight out of shape 50-year old in a knickers and a nike t-shirt trying to do running knee-ups? I am sure it looks just as bad as it feels. And when Russell walked through and gave me a head nod, I was tempted to get off my bike and go tell him hey, I really do have actual bib shorts and jerseys, but I didn't think we were supposed to wear them for indoor workouts! Besides I think my thighs are a bit too chunky right now for shorts.

I wish I had that article I read a few months ago that was about changing self-talk. I could use something like that right now, because even in my head all this thinking about having gained weight and being out of shape is really making me sick. So I've gained about 10 pounds, and I don't work out as much as I used to, so what? I'm not alone, it happens to people this time of year. After watching "the biggest loser" it's not like I weigh 400 pounds or anything. But just for me, being disciplined is tough. I can easily skip ice cream and french fries, my problem is just having the time and organization to plan, shop for and prepare decent meals for myself. I bring lunch every day to work, since I never leave the office, and it usually consists of fruit, almonds, a salad, and greek yogurt. Today I even brought dinner (soup). So I don't eat like a total pig or anything.

I think I'll complain about something else, because this is getting boring. What else? Oh, this time of year. Is it okay to say I hate Christmas? I mean seriously, why create all this stress just because we are supposed to decorate, bake, shop, wrap, ship, travel, and be as happy as a Hallmark commercial? I don't think so. Screw that.

Now I will complain about random shit that keeps happening. Last weekend I had planned to go to Bend, but with the weather forecast, I thought maybe I'd stay home instead of driving on icy roads. Thursday night I get a call from my neighbor saying that water was rushing down my driveway. This after several consecutive days of temperatures below freezing, down in the teens at night. Great. So I get home to find a pipe had burst in my garage. My nice neighbors had moved everything to the other side so nothing was damaged, fortunately the wall where the pipe was just has a shelf unit, a workbench, and some random gardening stuff stacked against it. The old dog bed was soaked, but I'm drying it out so I can give it to my other neighbors (which gives me an idea for another rant about people who don't take care of their dogs).

Friday was spent calling plumbers and finding one who could come out & fix the pipe. The guy who came out was really nice and took time explaining what happened and how to prevent it when I winterize next year. He didn't seem to be in any big hurry, never complained about the cold so I made coffee for him in a travel mug and told him he could come in to warm up. Anyway it was not a bad experience at all. Saturday the water damage people came out, ripped out the sheetrock and placed one of those huge noisy fans out there to dry the wall. Now I have to find a contractor to replace the insulation & sheetrock.

While working from home on Friday, my 6-month old Dell laptop went completely blue screen on me and died. It won't boot up or anything. I need to find the warranty information & figure out where to send it. I'm finding it's pretty inconvenient to have no internet access at home. My phone is disconnected too since the cable comes into that wall.

I am really trying not to have this "why me?" type of attitude because that doesn't do any good. Just because lately it seems crappy things have been happening, like part of my fence falling over in the windstorm ($320), washer leaking so I bought a new washer/dryer ($1400) and now who knows what this will cost. What disappoints me most is not having anything planned. Last year at this time I was planning my Yellowstone trip. This year I could go to the Rose Bowl but Mark & Jennifer aren't going. I want more than anything to go to the 2010 Games in Vancouver but it seems really super cost-prohibitive. Jennifer says we probably won't end up going to Montana to visit her nephew because he doesn't like going to college there & will probably move back home. So I am glad I am going up to Zigzag next week for a few days, and may go on to Bend after that to spend the weekend. Hopefully I can find someone to feed my cat and the weather won't be that tricky for travel. I need to get my snow tires put on the car.

If anyone has read this far, well, I feel sorry for you because you should really find something more interesting to do than read this drivel. It is even boring to me but I'm only typing it here to get the whiny boring-ness out of my head. That is all.

I think I might have actually run out of things to complain about. For now.

Complain-a-thon

2009-12-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

Nobody reads this, so what difference does it make? I need a place to rant.

Complaint #1
I am sitting in my office trying to figure out what is wrong with a graph I do for a monthly report since the recipient claims the numbers are transposed. They are not. Am I seeing things? I just had a lengthy discussion with my boss about why my eyes hurt, and yes, I went to the eye doctor for an exam this morning. I wear contacts for distance, and reading glasses to see the computer and anything in small type. It's a real pain and the reading glasses hurt my eyes. I hate taking them off and putting them back on all day. I'm tired of the headaches I get when I don't wear contacts so I can read everything just fine, but have to wear glasses for distance so I can drive and read street signs.

Complaint #2
I am the most inconsistent person on this earth. Here I sit using work as an excuse yet again in order to avoid working out. I even committed this time - bought 10 classes - signed up, and I don't want to go. I have gone to exactly 2 classes, enjoyed them, was challenged by them, even had fun. Sure, I felt like a complete out of shape fool, but at least I showed up. Tonight? I am sitting in my office crying like a fool. Why is it that what I need the most to make me feel better is something I am avoiding? I hate when that happens this time of year. I won't be able to ride this weekend either due to a company holiday outing on Saturday. Maybe Sunday? I AM going to class on Wed. Of course I could still make it tonight. But - I hate being late, more than anything. To get changed, drive up MLK, find parking, drag my bike, shoes, rollers, etc. into the building and get set up ... I don't think I'd make it. I'm stalling. UGH I hate this. Indecision. Guilt. F-it, I'm going. I need this. no more excuses.

Complain-a-thon will resume at a later time.

dark & twisty

2009-10-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

Wow. I've never been in a "funk" that lasted this long. For the past two weeks or so I've felt like I'm in a fog, going through the motions, every day seems the same - like watching something on TV that I've already seen, or a really bad, boring movie. Today I can't even muster up the energy to smile, not even a tiny fake one. Spent the weekend by myself, aside from the Saturday ride. Finally my boss asked me what was up. I lack the ability to lie and be fake, acting like everything is fine, so I tell him I just wish there was a pill to make me care. He asks what he can do. So, we talk. I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm not happy, and I'm sure I'm not pleasant to be around. By the end of the conversation I just wish he'd leave me alone so I could cry my eyes out. I'm not going to do that when he's here. I know it's stupid, because so many people are worse off than I am. But where is the joy? What happened to my enthusiasm, my motivation, my passion? Is it because I have no people? I should be used to that by now. Everyone else has people - family, spouses, kids, the contrast is everywhere. We all have our struggles. Deep breath. Okay. So what do I do? How in the hell do I climb out of this pit? I know working out helps me to feel better, but I have absolutely no desire to be with people right now. None. I can't even stand my own company. It will pass. I know it will.

I need change. In a big way. But the problem is - I have no idea how to go about it. What to do first. The sad thing is, I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to bother anyone. Lame.

thoughts from forest park – 10/8/09

2009-10-16T21:49:00.001-07:00

Went for a ride after work tonight. I committed to doing it since I failed at following through most of last week and the light is really fading fast in the evenings. I did manage to come up with several lame excuses, to which I’d find a solution and tell myself “I’m riding anyway”. I forgot to bring my contacts so I wore my prescription sunglasses. Not ideal, not too dark, but – riding anyway. Really could have worked late and gotten caught up – riding anyway. Wow, traffic sucks getting from the east side of the river over to Thurman – took me 45 minutes! Riding anyway.

Clipped my Planet Bike light to the handlebars, debated on whether to bring a jacket, stuffed a water bottle in my pocket, and off I went. Already 6:15! Weird how as you weave in and out on Leif Erikson’s turns, the light changes. It’s dark, then not so dark, then sort of dark, then almost daylight. I stopped twice to tighten the light as it kept coming loose and rattling around. I’m so not used to riding in semi-darkness.

Riders zoomed past me in their team kits. Cross racers, I thought, real ones. I even saw a couple I know, but didn’t wave as they were going fast and so was the evening light.

More real cross racers zooming past. I don’t mind being passed as I’m on a very old & heavy mountain bike. I wondered how in the world I managed to ride that thing for 35-50 miles on organized rides? I had no idea how much faster and lighter a road bike would be.

But the bike has a new chain, and new tires that hum. It’s funny, as I was heading downhill, I was thinking about how much I used to ride the brakes. On Leif Erikson. It’s not even downhill, really. Tonight, I was pedaling. I would slow in the turns a bit but still mostly pedaling. I thought to myself, what’s the worst that can happen? These tires can go over anything. So what if I am riding on gravel/rocks/bumpy hardpacked dirt. So what if my bike rattles a little bit. Unlike last time, I did at least remember my Ironclad gloves which I’ll never forget Matt describing as “they eat up vibration like a fat kid eats cake”. It’s true. They totally do.

Finally remembered the last thing I thought about tonight. Thinking vs. doing. I talk a lot about things I’ve been thinking about. All summer the plan was to quit the gym and go to yoga classes. Did I do that? No. This week I went to the usual Tuesday night spinning class and had a similar experience to one where I walked out of there determined not to come back again for several reasons: it’s not much of a workout, not really convenient, and the whole class is so clicque-ish and chatty. I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t in the mood for that. So I’m going to quit thinking about things and just commit to doing them for a change.

Seasonal changes

2009-10-07T12:43:00.001-07:00

Feeling kinda stuck in a rut. I don't mind the weather getting cooler, the leaves turning color, or darkness in the morning. No, that's not it. My job lacks... well, a lot of things I would like to have in a job - people contact, opportunities to be creative, variety, challenge. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I talk about change, I consider moving, changing jobs, and then do nothing. Well, nothing but talk, anyway.

I am actually looking forward to winter. I love Fall, the season of sweaters & corduroy, cyclocross, and football. But I love Winter too. I love the snow, and can't wait for backcountry skiing again. But I'm also reminded that my dog was still here a year ago. That makes me sad, I miss him a lot. I don't miss the guilt about leaving him home, or worrying about his health, but I miss the way he'd look at me with those trusting eyes, and I'd know everything would be ok. I miss the times we would go camping and hiking together. I miss seeing him in front of the fireplace. Sigh.

So hopefully this winter I will be able to do more skiing, hiking, and maybe another trip to Montana. The only way I get through periods of seasonal transition is to make plans so that I have something to look forward to.

A first.

2009-08-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Lastnight I got home with the intention of going for a quick one-hour ride, but couldn't gather the energy to change & do all the necessary preparations. Sometimes I can do it in 15 minutes but I was lethargic. So I decided to go for a walk instead, something I've been meaning to do in the cooler mornings but haven't had the energy for. I thought about asking the neighbors if I could borrow their dog, but thought I'd just brave it solo. This was the first time I've walked by myself, i.e. without another human or canine for company, since Morrison died in January. It wasn't so bad. Still about 90 degrees, I made the mistake of not pulling my hair back in a ponytail and wearing a cotton t-shirt. But I found the longer I stayed walking, and the faster I went, the more comfortable I became. I need to do this more often. I think it was good to get out there, so it was kind of a milestone for me. Yes, I miss having a dog but am not ready for another one, especially since Levi is an indoor cat now so I couldn't have a dog using the doggie door to get in & out of the house & garage. I did stop and pet a cute puppy, I think it was a border collie, and her owner was telling me there are other pups at the breeder, but I really prefer shelter mutts. So if I'm meant to have another dog, the opportunity will present itself and the dog will find me, just like my cat did. I'm so glad Levi found me, he is the best cat EVER.

Laws of nature

2009-05-07T14:08:00.001-07:00

The birds are nesting again in the eaves of my house. Each year they do this, and they always leave straw and bird poop scattered around. This year, another effect of the nesting - they drive my cat insane. He watches them from the windowsill and makes pointless attempts to get at them through the glass. He climbs up on the blinds, waking me up. He talks to them. It makes me feel badly for keeping him indoors as he is such a good hunter. But staying indoors guarantees him a healthier life, which I'm reminded by whenever I hear cars go speeding down the (25mph speed limit) street. Plus, the birds get to live. Just so they can poop all over my siding and driveway.

Now it's two.

2009-04-18T15:03:00.001-07:00

Not long ago I posted about two people I knew who were battling cancer. Janet Eaton passed away on March 15. Les Sarnoff, well known DJ on KINK radio in Portland for 30years, lost his battle with cancer on April 17th. This is very sad news. A person you listen to on the radio isn't just a voice - Les represented so many things about my life in Portland over the past 15 years. He was active in the community, passionate about music, and always optimistic and smiling. His reassuring voice on morning radio even made it easier to wake up when the alarm went off. I met Les a few times at various events, including the Oregon Humane Society telethon which he worked at for many years. I am listening to the radio today and hearing people share their memories of Les, and it is making me realize that he wasn't just an on-air personality - the voice on the radio was really him. He really was a positive, energetic, optimistic person, according to the people who worked with him. This is a rare thing. It came across clearly in the recent article about Les and his battle with cancer in the Oregonian - just two weeks ago.

My plan is to remember these people we have lost, and to make an effort to incorporate their best characteristics into my life. I admired Janet for her amazing ability to describe the beautiful place where she lived, for her storytelling talent, and for how passionate she was about things she felt strongly about. She wasn't a spectator - she was an active participant - she got involved.

And I know I'm not the only one who was soothed by Les' voice, even when he was talking about 9/11, traffic or bad weather, somehow he made it sound not so bad, like everything would be alright. I want to be more positive, more optimistic. I want to be thought of as compassionate, genuine, and optimistic. And mostly, I envy Les for being able to do what he loved for a living.

Maybe it's silly to be affected by the death of someone I didn't even know - but I listen to the radio a lot. It's usually on in the car if I can't find a cd or am not in the mood for NPR. I leave the radio on at home whlie I'm gone, so it's not so quiet when I get home. When you listen that much, the voices and personalities become familiar, like friends. So I have lost another friend. Portland has lost a dear friend.

On people and pets.

2009-04-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

I just can't believe that someone wouldn't want me to stop and pet their dog. I guess I should have asked? Still - the dog was tied to a tree. I can't resist a cute puppy, even if the owner is an ass.

So I'm driving home and keep seeing people in the neighborhood walking their dogs. Each time I see this, I smile and then feel sad. I realized it's been 3 months today since Morrison died.

Lastnight I finally gathered the courage to scoop some of his and Roxanne's ashes into ziploc bags to send to Jennifer so she can have a pendant made for me. Then I put more of Morrison's in 3 different bags so I can do what I did with Roxanne's. I will scatter them in the yard, in the park, on the beach, and on some of his favorite hiking trails. I guess some people would find it odd but since I never had children, these 2 dogs were the only family I've ever had.

Sunday's Perfect Ski.

2009-03-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

It was raining in Portland, pouring on I-84. Rounded the curvy road up Highway 35 and saw blue sky. It was blowing gusty winds at the snowpark, but quiet in the trees on the trail we were skiing. We saw only 2 people and a dog. Couldn't find the trail off the main one through the trees but followed a few tracks. Snow was deep and powdered-sugary. Slope was gradual, just enough so that I could glide a bit and on the way back up, got my heart rate up a bit. We heard the road and found the end of the trail so we did an out-and-back, but it is definitely one of my favorites of the season.

one month to go.

2009-03-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

Time ticks away and the big numbers 5-0 are looming. I can deal with it. I don't believe them anyway. If those numbers mean I have to feel old, act old, and be old, well, it's not gonna happen. I will be defiant. I will not act my age.

With so many things happening in the world, people fighting cancer, planes crashing in Montana and Japan, and the economy in crisis, a "milestone" birthday seems quite insignificant. But the fact that my friends are willing to celebrate with me is a pretty big deal. I am excited about that, it will be fun.

Things I miss.

2009-03-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

It just occurred to me, on this rainy day during which I have only ventured outside to get the newspaper, that since my dog passed away, I haven't walked in my neighborhood at all. Not once. Maybe one time to the mailbox, and it felt strange, like I should be holding something, like a leash. I really miss walking in the park, seeing people with their dogs, greeting them with good morning. People have suggested that I continue walking anyway without my dog, but it seems strange.

I also miss looking over by the fireplace to see him on his bed, resting comfortably. I had put the bed out in the garage, but ended up putting it back because that place in front of the fireplace looked so bare. The cat likes to sleep there now.

I miss being greeted when I come home - not the kind where I find "surprises" left for me to clean up in the garage, but the jumping-around-tail-wagging kind of greeting. Now that I have a cat, he greets me by walking around and then purrs when I pick him up. I suppose that will suffice for now.

Laugh of the day

2009-03-06T18:05:00.003-08:00

I am so glad I read the newspaper, otherwise I would have missed this!

It helps to have perspective.

2009-02-25T15:51:00.001-08:00

The past few days, I'm complaining about headaches and feeling low on energy. I just finished reading some updates online from two people who are going through cancer treatment. That quickly reduced my complaints to nothing and made me feel very grateful and very healthy. It is amazing what people can endure when they have to.

Both are people I don't know very well, but their stories affect me just the same. This killer - cancer - it must be stopped. I truly hope there is progress made in medical research to make treatments better and inform people on how to prevent cancer. But for those already suffering with various forms of the disease, I will remain hopeful and optimistic. Both are vibrant, intelligent, strong people who have enhanced my life, though they probably don't realize it. Both are inspiring me with their courage, their perseverance, their messages of strength as they endure what has to be a very difficult time both physically and emotionally. Both are in my prayers, as are their families.

As for me, I am fine, I am healthy, and I am very grateful for that. I can assure you that I intend to enjoy each day of good health that I am fortunate enough to have. It is tragic that this disease is so deadly, so invasive, and so overwhelming to even think about. It's not fair. In fact, life isn't fair either, but it's still good.

To Janet and Les - get well. I'm praying for you.

There is color in the world again.

2009-02-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

Driving to work on this warm, sunny morning, I noticed signs of Spring. Walking into the office I happened to see some pansies and shoots of bulbs pushing up through the soil. It occurred to me at that moment that most of the sad things that have happened to me in my life have been in the winter, so I always associate Spring with new things, growth, and hope. I love winter, don't get me wrong, but it's always nice to take notice of the first signs of the seasons changing.

I have never been able to choose my favorite season. I love Spring for the warmth, the flowers, and even the smell of rain. I love fall for the crunch of leaves, the beautiful colors, and the crisp air. I love winter too, because the snow is so beautiful and I love to be outside in it as much as possible. And summer just has so many things about it to love, the days are long and there is so much to do.

These are just my random thoughts & observations as I'm torn - wanting to stay in town & enjoy the beautiful weather, but heading east for some skiing and cold weather riding. It's always nice to get out of town for a few days!

Next on the to do list

2009-01-27T15:28:00.000-08:00

I brought Morrison's ashes home with me yesterday, as I finally had a chance to get there on a weeknight on my way home before the vet's office closed. I meant to go on Saturday but had too much to do after the ride. Anyway it's become my routine - not that losing a pet is a routine - but after I brought Roxanne's ashes home I read the Bridge poem aloud, so I did the same for Morrison, as kind of a welcome home.

Soon I'll make a trip to the beach, and will also scatter his ashes in various places that he loved - Frances Street park, my back yard, Forest Park, Noble Woods park, and some hiking trails in the Gorge. He would love that. I decided that a tennis ball will be appropriate at the beach - I had tossed a frisbee into the surf with Roxanne's ashes, so it seems fitting for Morrison.

It gets easier each day, but my heart still aches. I miss him.

all dogs go to heaven.

2009-01-23T14:14:00.001-08:00

A DOG'S PRAYER
Treat me kindly , my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick, for although I should lick your hand between blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have be do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements.
And I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.

Though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshipper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst.

Feed me clean food so that I may stay well to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger.

And beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather, hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest...and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I draw, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

I love this one:
Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you...
I loved you so--------'twas Heaven here with you.

Thanks.

2009-01-22T12:27:00.001-08:00

To everyone who called and emailed me with support and notes of sympathy, I thank you. To the friends and family members who truly understand what my dog meant to me and brought to my life, I am profoundly grateful. To our wonderful compassionate vet, Dr. Yvonne Wikander, and her staff, I owe a great deal of thanks.

Mostly, to my wonderful companion of 12 years, Morrison - thank you for your patience with me, as the dense human that I am, and thank you for the gifts and the lessons I learned from you. I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. A part of me is missing.

Next on my list of things to deal with are bringing Morrison's ashes home, taking him to the beach to be with Roxanne, and donating his remaining food, treats, leashes and toys to the local animal shelter. As Morrison taught me - there is no need to rush.

Into the Mystic

2009-01-18T17:30:00.000-08:00

You know how a certain song can remind you of a moment in your past, easily bringing to mind exactly where you were, who you were with, and how you felt? Well, I am listening to a song on the radio that was playing on the way home from the vet last Wednesday after saying good-bye to my dog. It's "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison. (Ironically, my dog wasn't named for Van Morrison, but rather for the late Jim Morrison, though people have asked.) It's a great song, one I have always liked but never associated any specific memories with. I just remember hearing that song on the radio as I drove home - realizing that I have never driven home from the vet without a pet before, as my other two have been euthanized by our vet in my home.

I suppose I felt prepared enough this time to actually be able to drive there and back. But as I listen to this song now, I realize that it will always remind me of that moment - a mix of emotions, ranging from an aching empty sadness to genuine relief. A decision had been made out of compassion, caring and love, and a soul was set free. This was a dog who wouldn't want me to be sad, as he knew the difference in my expressions, mannerisms and voice. I will never forget the times we walked together and if I was sad, he would look back at me and smile in his special dog way, and then start to run, as if to say "come on - don't be sad - let's go!" It just exemplifies the simplicity of a dog's outlook on life, to focus on the simple things.

What could possibly be wrong in the world when you are out on a walk and there is so much to see, smell, enjoy and appreciate? He didn't want me to be sad then, and he wouldn't want me to be sad now, though I can't help it. If I was to sniffle, or cough, he would be right there with a kiss on my chin and a look that said it was going to be alright. And when he did that, it always was, because he always made me smile. I sure do miss my best friend.

Pure doggie joy

2009-01-08T20:15:00.001-08:00

Talking to Jennifer today about losing our dogs, I said that I wanted to focus on the good memories rather than the last images I have of Morrison. Jennifer mentioned that the picture of Ruby running on the beach (which I posted last month) is what she thinks of to take her mind off of the sadness, I immediately thought of this picture of Morrison.

This is what I will picture in my mind when I am sad. That moment, that expression on his face, the way he was running, was pure joy for him.

Ths wasn't the recent Arctic Blast of 2008 - this snowfall was in January of 2004. Back then, I had both Morrison and Roxanne to romp with in the snow. And romp they did. Morrison ran to catch the frisbee and Roxanne rolled in the snow on her back like it was the absolute best thing on earth. For her, in that moment, it was.

I remember asking someone I saw to take a picture of us together. The dogs were wiggling around so much that they wouldn't even sit still. They had so much energy then. I also notice in all the pictures I have from that time, Morrison's tail was held up proudly and curled behind him like a question mark, never still, always wagging. It makes me sad to realize that in the last year or so, it was just dangling from his body. He had arthritis in his back so that is probably why. There is, sadly, so much contrast between how he looked in 2004 and how he looked and held himself over the past few years. I love to look back at these photos and remember what a wonderful and handsome dog he was. Even just last week while walking in the park, I saw these 2 kids and one remarked "cool dog!" It made me smile. Even though Morrison looked different in his older years, the important thing is that he was loved, and that will never change. I miss him.

A sad farewell.

2009-01-07T17:39:00.001-08:00

My wonderful, loving and loyal companion dog, Morrison, is free now. He lived a good long life of 14 years and recently his body just wasn't holding up very well. He had good days and bad, so I will focus on the good. He was truly my best friend and one of the best amateur frisbee-catching dogs I've seen. He was a great listener, also very vocal, as he would speak when asked to do so. In the past he was always waiting for me when we hiked together because he could run so fast that he'd go way ahead on the trail to scope things out. More recently I was the one waiting for him on our walks, as he taught me that there was no need to hurry. He got to take his sweet time and sniff all he wanted. So this photo makes me think of how he would always stop to take everything in - sniff the air. I have so many wonderful memories of our times together and all the places we traveled to. He loved the beach, camping, hiking, a good snack, and riding in the car. He loved everyone and it was a gift for him to be able to spend time with me after we lost Roxanne in 2007. He enjoyed the attention, being able to meet other dogs and having everything (and me) all to himself. He was patient and taught me that youth is for running and barking and chasing frisbees, but aging is for taking it slow, not rushing to do anything quickly, sniffing the breeze, and enjoying each moment no matter what you were doing. I am grateful to him for these gifts, and for letting me know that it was time to set him free. He was loved very much and he will be equally missed.

Embarking on a new adventure

2009-01-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

I bought myself some cross country skis for Christmas. They are very pretty red, white & gray Alpinas with black Alpina boots. Of course I know it doesn't matter how nice your equipment is, it's all about how well you know how to use it. I'm not a very good cross-country skier, but I'm determined to enjoy it as much as I can anyway. For all the years I've been a downhill skier (since I was about 19) I would much rather cruise the blue runs than struggle on a mogul-filled steep black diamond run any day. But I find that I really love the quiet of cross country skiing, not having to wait in lift lines or deal with huge crowds. Even with Hwy 26 being closed, traffic and snow-covered roads, it was an awesome day. Perfect snow, great weather and good company. To top it off - coffee in Hood River. The only thing that would have made the day better is if I had new windshield wipers and more windshield cleaner. Just another thing to put on my list of things to do. But it was really great to go for a long drive, get out and enjoy the snow on my new skis. And after alluding me every time I got out my camera, Mt. Hood was there in all her shining glory, beaming in the afternoon sun.

What I did during the Arctic Blast of 2008

2008-12-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

Everyone will have stories about the great White Christmas storm of 2008. Mine will involve walks in the snow, riding my mountain bike (pictures are here) - and shoveling snow off the driveway & sidewalk. I didn't need to go anywhere, so there are no dramatic stories of me getting stuck or having to sleep at the airport. Good thing. I did come up with this fun list of things to do while stuck indoors for days and days - here's what I did:

Walk to the store to see if there was anything I needed. Usually there wasn't much. Found that carrying cat litter in a backpack is heavy.

Bake stuff and give it to the neighbors (because I sure don't need to eat it).

Call people and tell them how much snow you have. Usually if they live somewhere warm they are not impressed.

Try to work, but keep getting distracted by watching snow fall out the window.

Watch endless hours of the news to see what is going on out in the world.

Walk around the neighborhood and admire Christmas lights.

Watch kids sledding at the park.

Do lots of laundry and clean, then wonder why the house still seems cluttered. Clean the oven, which I never do.

With good intentions, remove all contents from guest room closet, then lose interest in the project and leave contents scattered on guest room floor. Close the door and ignore the mess.

Watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Napoleon Dynamite" several times.

Shop online. My Yak Trax arrived yesterday, just in time for the thaw. But next storm, I'll be ready. Good thing my DVD of the "John Adams" miniseries arrived so I could watch that.

Walk to the mailbox every day. This is a big adventure.

Ride the rollers for at least an hour every day.

Marvel at my collection of hats, scarves, gloves, gaiters, fleece, and gore-tex. Decide that I cannot possibly have enough.

View from my house

2008-12-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

A few pictures from my deck...

Arctic Blast 2008 continues....

2008-12-22T11:42:00.001-08:00

Went hiking in Forest Park on Saturday with KRhea, Dean, Barb, & Einar. Great fun!

Arctic Blast Winter Armageddon Storm of 2008

2008-12-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

So can they possibly cover the storm on TV in more detail? Minute by minute reports of what the pavement looks like, the forecast, the current temperatures, information from PDOT, ODOT, Trimet, WashDOT, phone calls from viewers, interviews with people who wreck their cars. Why do I leave the TV on? At least I can hit the mute button. I am being driven crazy by repetition. I will post more pictures later. They are forecasting rain, really crappy conditions for tomorrow's commute, then another seriously nasty storm over the weekend. Great. I need some cross-country skis.

Pure joy

2008-12-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

Ruby - living in the moment.

Good news and bad.

2008-12-05T09:36:00.001-08:00

*Levi is officially my cat now! He was walking with Morrison and I in the park this morning. I saw a man drive by slowly in a truck, and when he got out to visit with Levi I walked over to talk to him. Turns out Levi (whose name was originally Tsuki, and then Raoul) I found that he lived in a house about 2 doors down that is for sale. The owners lost the house, had to move, and left Levi. That's why I found him in the park. The man, who works for the city, said he figured someone was taking care of the cat since he had seen him and noticed the collar, so he told his friend Joe that Levi was being well taken care of. I told him that I put the collar on him so nobody would steal him and people would know he has a home, since he is so friendly. I also told him Levi has had all his shots and is being very spoiled, in fact I can't wait to get home from work every day to spend time with him (and Morrison too). So the man, whose name happens to be Owen, said "well, he's your cat now". I wanted to cry, I was so happy. In fact, as Owen drove away and Levi ran to catch up with Morrison and I to finish our walk, I did. That absolutely made my day.

*Levi Leipheimer, his namesake. He looks more like a Levi than a Raoul, don't you agree?

***

On another note, I'm very sad to say that my friends' dog Ruby lost her courageous battle with cancer last week. She was an amazing dog. A certified pet therapy dog and accomplished (titled) agility competitor, she loved hiking, splashing in puddles, playing ball, riding in the car, dressing up for Halloween, and living in the moment. She will most certainly be missed by everyone who knew her, most all by Jennifer, the human at the end of her leash. This is a picture I took when I was there in July of Ruby doing something she loved - playing with a stick. Her goal in life was to run, swim, play and do everything her human(s) asked her to do. She lived to please her humans. She was fortunate enough to accompany Jennifer to visit patients and to read with kids at the local library. She loved everyone, and showed absolute joy in everything she did. She loved the beach, the Deschutes River, Bessie Butte, and anywhere else she could hike or swim with her favorite humans. Always well behaved, she could understand anything her humans told her and was absolutely the most intelligent dog I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She brought me the newspaper every morning when I stayed at their house. She trained me to get the ball out from under the coffee table. She was a great watchdog and was very protective, but always greeted humans she knew with a kiss and wag of her tail. She was very talkative, playful and had impeccable manners. I watched her perform at many dog shows and she was always calm and focused, even in a huge noisy arena full of people and dogs. Her desire was to earn Jennifer's love and praise, and she was perfect no matter which ribbon she won or what her time was in the agility competition. If the purpose of a dog's life is to teach humans how to love unconditionally and to live in the moment, then Ruby most certainly accomplished this, though her eight years of life was much too short. Ruby was well loved, and she will most definitely be missed by all who were fortunate enough to know her.

Gratitude.

2008-11-30T20:53:00.000-08:00

It's after Thanksgiving, but I find it necessary to write about what I'm grateful for. It's really hard to list things by priority. So these things are not necessarily in order, but here goes, right off the top of my head:

my family, (such as it is) - I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my parents
my friends - I have many, and I am truly grateful for each one
my job, for it provides me with income to donate, and spend on food, bills, and travel
the love of my pets, because they know how to love unconditionally
the technology that allows people to connect, like this here internets, google, facebook, email, cell phones, etc.
the beauty of a dry fall day, running into friends on a solo bike ride, and seeing a beautiful sunset
my health
my desire to learn, contribute, and create
the fact that even through the times I was unemployed, I managed to keep my house
my appreciation for beauty in all things - nature, music, art, literature

There are so many other things, I will have to think of more! But for now, if you are reading this, then you are a friend of mine, and I am truly grateful to know you.

Beautiful sunny fall weather

2008-10-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

This time of year you really have to get out and soak up all the sun you can. It's like everyone tries to load up on it so they can remember how good it is during the grey and cloudy and rainy days of winter. They will be here soon. This Sunday we have to set the clocks back so it will be dark at 5pm. Boo!

Here's a photo from a hike up by Mt. Hood on Sunday. It was gorgeous.

The switch has been flipped.

2008-10-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

Just like that - it's Fall. Seems like such a short time ago I rode in 80-degree weather. Actually it was Sept. 28th. Since then, it's rained quite a bit, and the leaves have turned significantly. It's really pretty, especially in the morning when the light is thin and the colors are even brighter. But already I'm missing the long days, even though I am enjoying selecting which combination of sweaters/cords/jacket to wear. So - the shorts get filed away, and replaced by wool, fleece, jeans, capilene, and gore-tex.

I'm going to Alaska for a weekend next month. I'll need those warm clothes!

Another milestone!

2008-09-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hiked the South Sister on Saturday. Last time I did that was (I think) in 1999. I'm not sure whether it was more difficult, but weather was certainly a factor. As we got above the treeline, the wind was really whipping around. I'm so glad I had those Salomon windpants on as they are fleece-lined and form-fitting so they were perfect. I had enough layers on but my hands were numb when we got to the summit. I hadn't brought the right gloves, which really bothered me because I have about 10 pairs. How could I be so unprepared? Anyway the descent was fine, I definitely took my time and 3 days later my left quadricep is still feeling it. I think I favored the left leg as my right knee was a bit sore but it's fine now. I love my black diamond trekking poles, they are awesome.

I'll post about the mountain biking adventure on my other blog!

Summer is winding down!

2008-08-27T07:51:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of in denial but can't ignore the fact that it's getting cooler in the mornings and the sun is going down earlier in the evenings. I am determined to get as much riding in as I possibly can, even though I plan to ride through the winter anyway.

It seems like so long ago I went to Astoria for the Cycle Oregon weekend. Suffice it to say that I was a bit disappointed in the overall experience. I should have made more of an effort to be social but didn't see anyone I knew, so it was kind of isolating for me to be camping & cycling with 1,499 people. The ride was okay, but the wind kept me awake Saturday night and I got little to no sleep. So I packed up early, went home to nap, then rode in the sunshine on familiar roads in the afternoon. I'd still give Cycle Oregon a try, maybe next year. We'll see.

Off to the beach!

2008-08-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Heading to Astoria for the Cycle Oregon weekend. Should be interesting! I'll do a write-up when I get back.

moments of bliss

2008-07-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

It's rare when I have a moment where everything is right in the world and I feel nothing but joy and contentment. I had one such moment yesterday while driving home from Bend. No reason really, other than I had spent a relaxing week with friends, put some miles on my bike, had some fabulous meals, and enjoyed the sunshine. But these moments are indeed rare, and I wish life had more of them.

4th of July

2008-07-03T22:24:00.001-07:00

Why is it that we celebrate our nation's independence with picnics, alcoholic beverages and explosives? I'll never quite understand that combination, or why those particular activities somehow symbolize this holiday. Anyway, my dog is on xanax. I called the vet and asked if there was something that would relieve his anxiety and she had just the thing. It actually is prescribed for "noise anxiety". Well, I've only given him one pill so far, and he is happily at work extracting biscuits from his Kong. All the windows are open and there is noise from all directions. Not constant noise, but the kind that would normally send him pacing and panting, like he did lastnight during the thunderstorm. I got very little sleep. So, on that note, I'm heading for bed. Have a safe 4th of July.

body count update :-(

2008-06-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Cute affectionate kitty (aka killer) brought me a gift this morning - a baby duckling. I am appalled, what can I do? I can't keep the cat indoors, otherwise then my dog wouldn't be able to go outside during the day through his doggie door.

Poor little duckling. I send out my deepest sympathies to his duck parents and will give him a proper burial.

Mice and birds, beware!!

2008-06-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Be on the lookout for this killer cat. He may act sweet, affectionate and cuddly, but in reality he is a merciless stalker of prey. It's probably best to stay out of his way.

So far he has brought 2 mice and 2 birds into my house. I don't mind vacuuming up feathers, but disposing of carcasses is not very much fun, especially first thing in the morning.

Anyway I advise that you take a close look at this picture - here he is stalking prey in the park. Stay away from this cat.

Contemplating a name change.

2008-06-11T17:38:00.001-07:00

Months ago I started trying to come up with some potential names for a new blog, one in which I'd write about cycling, maybe details on my own rides plus being a fan of bike racing, both at the local and professional levels. I watch Cyclysm Sundays on Versus, and try to take in as many local racing events as I possibly can. This year I will definitely be at the Twilight Criterium and hopefully the Cascade Classic as well. I haven't yet made it out to PIR or Alpenrose to watch PV racers but I plan on it, and will watch some cross racing in the fall. I'm sure people will attempt to coerce me into racing cross as well but we shall see. First, I'll spectate, because I'm good at that.

So back to the potential names. One observation I've made and realization I've come to recently is that since I joined Portland Velo, I read more cycling blogs, view more bike porn, read more cycling magazines, and watch more racing than ever. I also send & receive a multitude (okay, maybe not THAT many, but a lot) of emails on a daily basis with other cyclists about rides, events, and other bike geeky things. One thing I like about this is that I feel connected to the whole cycling community, which here in Portland is pretty huge and diverse. So I am just a teeny tiny part of it, but hey, I belong. I told my bike mechanic 2 years ago when I bought my first road bike that I was aspiring to be a "real cyclist". I don't know if I'm there yet, but I'm making progress.

Again, I digress. More about my own riding progress later. For now, the names. So anyway I sent an email to a cycling friend today which of course was about rides, and other cyclists, and whatnot. I made the comment "we cyclists are an obsessive bunch, are we not?" So the more I turn that phrase around in my mind, the more it makes sense. I like it. "Cycling Obsessions". It fits. For more reasons than you will probably ever want to know.

Anyway I think it's time for this blog to sit dormant for a while, and maybe just start the new one as a separate one. I don't think anyone will notice.

news flash: I love bikes.

2008-05-14T14:24:00.001-07:00

Okay so these photos are not lined up right. I don't care.

The Mt. Hood Cycling classic is currently underway and I went to watch the prologue lastnight in downtown Portland. It was fun handing out LiveSTRONG pompoms, hanging out with other Portland Velo-ites and checking out the racers. I snapped this with my blackberry - it's on Sherry's very cool cruiser bike. I think it about sums things up.

Tonight is more racing - the Stage 2 Criterium at Mt. Tabor - I'll be there! Then probably Saturday in Hood River as well.

Help! I'm addicted to Whole Foods!

2008-04-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

Finally it opened - after much anticipation, watching the stages of construction over the past several months, begging for the day - on my birthday of all days - the Tanasbourne Whole Foods is here.

Since my initial foray through those wonderful automatic sliding doors last Thursday, I've already spent a total of $202.93. Granted, I don't eat all that much, but the plethora of wonderful fresh foods, produce, the most beautiful fresh meat and fish I've ever seen, and the shear magnitude of it all makes me literally want to move into the store and never leave. I could just eat my way up one organic aisle and down the next.

I bought this cute little package of chocolate squares, oblivious to the fact that it cost $7.99 until I decided to buy 3 more and share them with my friends. I gobbled up the first one lastnight. Yum. I've gone through 2 pints of gelato already - granted, it's organic, so it's healthy, right? And if consumed after a healthy organic meal of salmon with pineapple salsa, red potatoes and organic broccoli, I doubt the calories even count.

Ahhh, food. I love it so. Whole Foods, welcome to my world. Or as I like to refer to it, "whole paycheck". Bye bye, paycheck.

Looks like Spring, but it's cold.

2008-04-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

It was supposed to snow today. It's April 19th. Whatever. I skipped out on the ride and instead I'm planning to get some stuff off my perpetually procrastinating "to do, or not" list.

One thing I actually completed this week is getting the online store set up for Portland Velo. Check it out at www.cafepress.com/pdxvelostore - and PLEASE buy something.

Now I'm debating going to the gym to see if they'll let me ride the spinning bikes for a while. I may be able to sneak into the room and just leave the lights off. We'll see. First I have to pick up some plants I ordered, then maybe a side-trip to Home Depot. Oh joy.

crappy mood.

2008-04-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of this stupid incessantly pointless and monotonous life I have. Go to work, work out, come home, eat, sleep, repeat. I mean, what is the point? Sure, there are things I enjoy, and it could always be worse. But why can't there be any JOY in it? Why can't I do things that "normal" people do, like have relationships, go on fabulous vacations, achieve meaningful goals, have interesting careers? This is NOT the life I expected or wanted to have. Coming home every night to an empty house. Doing all the damn dishes, laundry, cleaning, shopping, yardwork, bills, making all the decisions. I'm so sick of it. And to be honest, I'm lonely as hell. I have friends, I talk to people, I get involved with things I am passionate about in order to feel that I belong, that I'm contributing. But I'm still empty. What the hell am I doing with my life?

Random rant

2008-03-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have just now, this minute, officially decided that my blog is lame. I mean, what is there that is so profound that I must post it here for anyone to read? I could pose the question to my 0.2 readers about how I could possibly re-vamp this space in the online world or what I can re-name it in order to make it more interesting. But what would that accomplish? I admit that lately I'm kind of addicted to reading about things that inspire me. Like other people's blogs. Yeah, and some bike porn. If you're not familiar, I define it as anything about bikes that I can't afford and don't ever see myself being able to afford. But I placate myself by reading Cycling news, watching the spring classics (yesterday I watched Milan-San Remo) and keeping up on what's going on in pro cycling as well as the Portland cycling community. I pretend that I'm a part of it, though I only ride on weekends lately.

But I digress. A minute ago I took a break to go fill up my water bottle and thought, I should post more. I should write about interesting things. Other people do, and I read their posts. But - and here's the difference between their lives and mine - they do interesting things. Ah. Well, I could do that too. And another one - they write really, really well. I could do that, but it would take effort, and time.

Why am I posting? Well, I guess because I'm bored. And trying to stay away from the leftover chocolate Easter candy someone brought that I can hear calling me from the conference room. I need a new goal. I wonder - does anyone care? It doesn't matter. I will figure out whatever it is that I need to do in order to become inspired.

In the meantime, thank god for bike porn.

Fantabulous.

2007-12-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

Yay! I love to ride in December.

When we have the kind of spectacular weather like we had on Saturday, I just have to get out on my bike. Fortunately I have found a local cycling club and can actually keep up with them (well, the 15-17mph group, anyway - most of the time). It was cold but not (quite) freezing, I had plenty of layers on, and I absolutely LOVE my new Portland Velo jersey! Too bad there isn't any scenery behind me here, but it was taken after a ride on Saturday near the coffeeshop. Next time!

I look forward to many many many more rides!

thought for the day

2007-11-12T22:13:00.001-08:00

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Wisdom from afar

2007-08-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from “An Unexpected Light”. Travels in Afghanistan by Jason Elliot.

“I have always wanted to sail the south seas,
but I can’t afford it.

“What these people can’t afford is not
to go. They are enmeshed in the cancerous discipline
of “security”, and in the worship of security we
fling our lives beneath the wheels of routine – and
before we know it our lives are gone.

“What does a person need – really need? A few
pounds of food each day, heat and shelter, six
feet to lie down in and some form of working activity
that will yield a sense of accomplishment. That’s
all – in the material sense. And we know it. But we
are brainwashed by our economic system until we
end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time
payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, playthings
that divert our attention from the sheer idiocy of
the charade.

“The years thunder by, the dreams of youth
grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the
shelves of patience. Before we know it the tomb
is sealed. Where then lies the answer? In choice.
Which shall it be; bankruptcy of purse or
bankruptcy of life….?

Already planning my next trip.

2007-07-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

I got back from Glacier National Park and wow, I have to say that I've never seen such amazing scenery! We have some beautiful hikes here in Oregon and Washington, but Montana is incredible. I'll post more pictures from my Flickr account but here is one of me at Avalanche Lake.

So, moving on....

2007-06-27T22:59:00.001-07:00

le

Well, it's summer, and I'm doing my best to get out and enjoy it as much as I can. Here is a picture of Morrison and I on a short after-work hike up to Pittock Mansion last Friday. He can't do the long hikes like we used to do, which makes me sad, but he does enjoy getting out and sniffing all there is to sniff. Unfortunately this is the time of year he doesn't enjoy walking in the neighborhood because the fireworks scare him.

Here's a picture of Amanda and I on the Historic Columbia River Highway a couple of weeks ago. What a beautiful (but very windy!) ride.

I still miss Roxanne, and I am sure that I always will.

Happy Fun Pool

2007-05-18T09:01:00.001-07:00

Here's a picture of Roxanne playing in her pool, one of her favorite things to do in warm weather.

Missing Roxanne.

2007-05-10T07:34:00.000-07:00

I realized today that everything I have posted so far is something that someone else has written. I need to write something from my heart to remember Roxanne. So just off the top of my head, here goes:

Roxanne, I miss you every single day. I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.

I miss your sweet face and soft brown eyes gazing at me

I miss your soft ears and that place on your forehead between your eyes where I would always kiss you

I miss outlining the brown places on your fur and wondering how it is that you have such perfect markings.

I miss the way you’d jump around with joy when I got home, as if it was the best thing to ever happen. It didn’t matter whether I was gone for an hour, a day, or a week, it was the same.

I miss the way you would fling your toys up in the air and bring them to me to show me “hey, look what I have to play with! Isn’t this the best toy ever?”

I miss the way you’d fly off the deck when I let you out because you were so happy to be outside.

I miss the ferocious way you would bark whenever someone knocked on the door – you were my protector.

I miss the way you would squirm to get underneath my legs when I sat down on the floor to pet you & hug you, as if it was a place you felt safe. You knew I'd never let anyone hurt you. I was your protector, too.

I miss how you would lean against my leg when I sat down to pet you, and put your head on my lap. I miss how you would just come over and sit next to me, just to let me know you were there in case I needed anything.

I miss the lazy way you would stretch across the bed, and the way you’d put your back leg up in the air when I reached over to rub your belly.

I miss how you’d look for squirrels and kitties on all our walks and remember each and every place you had ever seen one.

I miss how you would watch closely any other humans that were in the house, even though I told you it was okay. You just wanted to make sure I was okay.

I miss how you would run with your tail wagging and your ears flopping.

I miss how you would run out into the garage when I came home – even though I had to stop the car and get out to let you back in the house.

I miss how your ears would go up when I would say your name and the intense way you listened so carefully to every single word I said.

I miss the loving way you would lick my face and my hands, as if in doing so you were caring for something precious and fragile.

I miss the way you would push Morrison out of the way as if to declare me as your property.

I miss the way you would whine whenever you saw another dog, especially if it was a dog behind a fence, like you felt sorry for the dog because it wasn’t out for a walk like we were.

I miss your snarly face and the growling sound you made when you pretended to be mean, but I always knew you were just playing.

I miss the snapping sound you’d make when you were excited and knew we were about to go for a walk.

I miss how you would lie on the floor patiently waiting for me to take you for a walk

I miss how you’d kick me sometimes during the night as you dreamed of whatever it is that dogs dream about – chasing squirrels, cats, or running on the beach.

I miss the joy on your face as you stuck your head out the window when we were going somewhere in the car, like it was just the best thing in the world.

I miss the love and complete trust I saw in your eyes when you looked at me.

I miss how you would lick the tears that ran down my face as I cried.

I miss the way you would sit in front of me as though you would protect me from all the bad things in the world, if you could.

I miss the way you would gently nudge my arm with your nose just to let me know you were there,

I miss hearing your breathing as you slept.

I miss the sniffling sound you’d make as you walked up the stairs and got up on the bed

I miss the way you sneezed.

I miss the way you’d pick up a toy and hold it in front of Morrison as if to proudly announce that you were the alpha dog, the master of the house, and not him.

I miss throwing the duck into the air so you could catch it.

I miss asking you if there was a kitty outside so I could watch you sit up on the bed and gaze out the window.

I miss feeling your cold wet nose on the back of my leg as you walked right behind me when we were hiking.

I miss watching you learn to catch the Frisbee so you could take it away from Morrison. and just drop it on the ground, so he’d have to pick it up & carry it back to me.

I miss driving home from work knowing that you will be there waiting for me.

I miss you in my life. But you will always be with me.

Tribute

2007-05-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

My good friend Amanda wrote this for me - it was a wonderful birthday gift.

They say she’s a dog, just a dog can’t you see

She can’t understand what you want her to be

She barks and she bites to protect her domain

While the people around you call her insane

Those people can’t imagine a connection so deep

Or her trust in her mommy with kisses so sweet

At first she was damaged, a pound puppy girl

Til you rescued her, loved her and made her your world

She ran and she jumped and she flew like the wind

With her wings of devotion right up to the end

They say she was scary but you knew she was bluffin

Cause she’s Roxannie Bannanie, your sweet little muffin

Bunnyrabbit and Boo and Nanner you called,

Her to show you her snarly face, please kittycatdog

Her Duck was her favorite, her most cherished toy

But no toy could replace, her Bubba, her Joy

They say she’s a dog, just a dog can’t you see

She can’t understand what you want her to be

You’re just a human so you’ll never see

What its like to be loved without limits, unconditionally

She was there by your side with silent content

And you can’t ever imagine, a time better spent

She lives within your heart now, so full of precious memories

Just waiting for her mommy, to also be set free

She knows when mommy joins her, they both will be carefree

To run, to jump, to love each other as it was always meant to be

They say she’s a dog, just a dog can’t you see

She can’t understand what you want her to be

You say she was pure, with you she was free

To be just herself, who she wanted to be

Her soft velvet ears, her stubby tail wagging, all the world could see

but the light in her eyes, which twinkled like stars, grew brighter just for me

She twirls now in circles on clouds Heavenly

Feeling love and affection for Eternity.

She’s not just a dog, she’s Roxannie to me

She’s not just a dog, she was my Family

Happiness

2007-05-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Quote of the day.......
Happiness is a butterfly which when pursued is always just beyond your grasp, but when you sit quietly, may light upon you.
-Nathaniel Hawthorne

Thank you, Jennifer - for this gift.

Home again.

2007-04-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

Roxanne's ashes are now home with me. I plan to keep some in a nice urn/picture frame, maybe have it engraved, I don't know yet. I will bring her with me to the beach, to the park, and to some of her favorite hiking trails in the Gorge. I will never forget the fun we had together over the years.

I do regret not taking any video of her. The silly way she would pounce on a toy and fling it around, the wagging of her stubby tail and how she would lean on me to be hugged and then lay down & roll over so I could rub her belly, the way she would chase Morrison and then bite his back legs, and how she would run - these are images I never want to forget. I miss her so much. How long will this sadness last?

Quote of the day

2007-04-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

my good friend Jennifer sent me this in a beautiful card:

A family dog is not replaceable like a worn out coat or a set of tires. Each new puppy becomes his own dog, and none is repeated. I am four-dogs old, measuring out my life in friends that have succeeded, but not replaced one another.

-Irving Townsend

Just my dog....

2007-04-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

I found this on Dogster, where I created a site for Roxanne and one for Morrison too.

SHE WAS JUST MY DOG (Author Unknown)

"She was my other eyes that could see above the clouds;
my other ears that heard above the winds.
She was the part of me that could reach out into the sea.

She had told me a thousand times over that I was her reason for being;
by the way she rested against my leg;
by the way she wagged her tail at my smallest smile;
by the way she showed her hurt when I left without taking her along
(I think it made her sick with worry because she was not along to care for me).

When I was wrong, she was delighted to forgive.
When I was angry, she clowned to make me smile.
When I was happy, she was joy unbounded.
When I was a fool, she ignored it.
When I succeeded, she bragged.
Without her, I am only another person.
With her, I was all powerful.

She was loyalty itself.
She had taught me the meaning of devotion.
With her, I knew a secret comfort and a private peace.
She had brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.
Her head on my knee could heal my human hurts.
Her kisses on my tears washed away my bad feelings.
Her presence by my side was protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.
She had promised to wait for me...whenever...wherever...in case I need her.

And I know I will---as I always have... She was just my dog. "

And then there was one.

2007-04-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

I can't forget that I'm not the only one grieving the loss of Roxanne. My boy Morrison (aka "Bubba") may not seem sad, because Roxanne was the alpha dog and pretty much ran his life for the past 11 years. He's kind of lost right now and follows me everywhere. He is the most patient, loving, sweet and obedient... well, okay, not obedient, dog ever. He's spoiled. He used to fly to catch his frisbee, but now he's content to go on walks and lay by the side of my bed. Occasionally he tosses me his tennis ball but isn't quite sure what happens next. He's obsessed with his Kong and wants it to be constantly filled with treats. He is very vocal and lets me know when he wants something by making that "uhhnnnnngg" sound, which can be anything from "let me out, I have to go potty" to "get off your lazy ass and take me for a walk, human". He's really a joy and I'm glad to have him. He's great about licking my face when I cry and giving me sympathetic looks. It's great to just give him a big hug. We are taking good care of each other.

Here's how you can help. The Bonnie Hays Small Animal Shelter is where Roxanne was before I adopted her. You can donate here.

Also, the Oregon Humane Society accepts online tribute donations here. They are an amazing organization. Thanks to Kris and her family for their donation in Roxanne's memory. Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathy & understanding.

So much more than "just a dog"......

2007-04-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

My cousin Brad sent me this........

From time to time, people tell me,
"lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog."
They don't understand the distance traveled,
the time spent, or the costs involved for
"just a dog."
Some of my proudest moments have come about with
"just a dog."
Many hours have passed and my only company was
"just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
"just a dog,"
and in those days of darkness,
the gentle touch of "just a dog"
gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it's "just a dog,"
then you will probably understand phases
like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or
"just a promise."
"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence
of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and
patience that make me a better person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early,
take long walks and look longingly to the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog"
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams
of the future, the fond memories of the past,
and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and
diverts my thoughts away from myself and the
worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that
it's not "just a dog"
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps
me from being "just a human."
So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog."
just smile, because they "just don't understand."

You're free now, Roxanne.

2007-04-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

Friends and family have called and emailed me to provide comfort and to express sympathy for the loss of my sweet Roxanne. Some who never even saw her, but knew how much I love both my dogs, have helped just by understanding what I'm going through. But those who have seen the way Roxanne protected me, leaned on me and looked up at me with those trusting brown eyes, truly knew the bond we shared. My good friend Jennifer saw a butterfly yesterday that made her think of Roxanne. That gave me an idea - instead of referring to euthanizing a pet to relieve their suffering as "having them put down", I will say I set Roxanne free - free of pain. I will think of her as running free, her ears back, her tongue hanging out, and a smile on her face. That makes me smile. My sincere thanks to everyone who is helping me get through this rough time.

My cousin Brad, who knows only too well the pain from losing a beloved dog, sent me the poem he has on a plaque dedicated to his Chelsea dog:

A DOG'S PRAYER

Treat me kindly , my beloved master,
for no heart in all the world is more
grateful for kindness than the loving
heart of me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick,
for although I should lick your hand between blows, your patience and
understanding will more quickly teach
me the things you would have be do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is
world’s sweetest music, as you must know
by the fierce wagging of my tail when your
footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me
inside, for I am now a domesticated animal,
no longer used to bitter elements.
And I ask no greater glory than the
privilege of sitting at your feet beside
the hearth. Though had you no home,
I would rather follow you through ice and
snow than rest upon the softest pillow in
the warmest home in the land, for you are
my god and I am your devoted worshipper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water,
for although I should not reproach you
were it dry, I cannot tell you when I
suffer thirst. Feed me clean food so
that I may stay well to romp and play
and do your bidding, to walk by your
side, and stand ready willing and able
to protect you with my life should your
life be in danger.

And beloved master, should the Great Master
see fit to deprive me of my health or sight,
do not turn me away from you. Rather,
hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands
grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest...
and I will leave you knowing with the last
breath I draw, my fate was ever safest
in your hands.

I love this one:
Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me
as if I were beside you...
I loved you so--------
'twas Heaven here with you.

Unconditional love

2007-04-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. -Anatole France

I love Roxanne. She is everywhere I look - in the yard, at the park, in the house. She had a good morning with a walk in the park and some eggs for breakfast, after a very restless and uncomfortable night. I decided it was best to remember her this way rather than to pursue a more aggressive course of treatment which didn't even offer much chance of retaining any real quality of life. She was in enough discomfort; I couldn't wait until she got any worse. Everyone says I did the right thing. That didn't make it any easier to have the vet come to my house, or to feel the life go out of Roxanne's body as she lay in my arms. But her love and devotion will never be forgotten as long as I live. Hers was a soul that knew loss and hurt, yet continued to trust and love, and took great pleasure in the simplest things. A squeaky toy, laying in the sun, hogging the bed, splashing in her "happy fun pool", running on the beach, rolling in the snow, watching a squirrel, hiking, or just enjoying our walks in the park. She will never be forgotten. Ever.

My Beautiful Girl

2007-04-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have to make a very difficult decision over the next few days... my sweet girl Roxanne has cancer. I just want her to be comfortable, pain-free, and happy. I do not have unlimited financial resources, nor can I bear to see her in pain. I know some people will go to any length to extend their beloved pets' lives, and I would too, if I could, and if the life being extended was of good quality. I know I will never forget her, she has been a loving and trusted companion and has always been there with a kiss for me and a wag of her stubby tail. I wlil love her forever.

Pilgrimage

2007-02-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,

There is a rapture on the lonely shore,

There is society, where none intrudes,

By the deep Sea, and music in its roar:

I love not man the less, but Nature more,

From these our interviews, in which I steal

From all I may be, or have been before,

To mingle with the Universe, and feel

What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.

- *Lord Byron*
/Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage, (exerpt)

ABC's - from Yano.

2006-07-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

Accent – None.
Booze of choice – No thanks.
Chore I hate – pulling weeds.
Dog or cat – currently dog, but cats are okay too. I miss my cat.
Essential electronics – tv, Tivo, cell phone, pc
Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) – none
Gold or Silver? Silver
Hometown – grew up in Sunnyvale, California
Insomnia? – Nope
Job Title – Currently, Diversity Technical Associate. It really should be Database Manager or Project Manager
Kids? - None
Living Arrangement – House.
Most admired trait – dedication?
Number of Sexual Partners – Not something I would reveal
Overnight Hospital Stays – 1, in 1976 when I swallowed part of my retainer.
Phobia – none that I can think of
Religion – nope
Siblings – one older sister, Karen
Time I wake up – between 5:30 - 6:00 am
Unusual talent/skill – can cross one eye
Vegetable I refuse to eat – beetss
Worst habit – Procrastination.
Yummy foods I make – anything grilled, all kinds of cookies, cashew brittle, toffee, pasta, Thanksgiving stuffing, and much, much more - not that I cook that often.
Zodiac sign - Taurus - and yes, I'm stubborn. But I also have all the good characteristics of a Taurus.

what the ?

2006-06-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I'm too lazy to change channels so I settle on the A&E channel with a special on the history of Superman narrated by Kevin Spacey. After that show, and I thought it was a spoof of a commercial, is the National Rock Paper Scissors competition. Are you kidding me? Is this a sport? It has official rules. This is unbelievable. Is this entertainment? Not in my opinion! OMG these people call themselves athletes? I can't take it anymore....

Memories.

2006-04-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

That's what is left when a loved one passes away. It's sad but comforting at the same time.

My grandmother died on March 31 at the age of 91. There were many things I admired about her. When I was a child, she was the one who taught me to respect my elders, mind my manners, and she at least attempted to teach me to "act like a lady" and to cook and sew. Actually I preferred to climb trees and play croquet and badminton, but she tried. As an adult, I came to admire her generous nature, her intelligence and curiosity about the world, and her ability to accept people and situations as they are. She had such an appreciation for beauty and culture. She was able to travel to and live in several countries during her long life, and she had a profound fascination for learning about people and places. She absolutely adored good food and would recall a good meal years later. Once when I stayed with her in Virginia for one of my cousin's weddings, we drank espresso and stayed up really late just talking. I wish I had brought a tape recorder with me so I could have recorded those conversations consisting of mostly memories of her upbringing and her life. She was always interested in whatever I was doing, and she kept up with the news and everything that was happening in the world, so we never lacked for things to talk about. I hope I can inherit some of the photographs she had. I'm already fortunate enough to have been given several framed prints and paintings that she had my uncle ship to me when she moved from her apartment into assisted living.

I have lots of memories. I'm grateful that I was able to visit her a few times over the last several years. During my last visit she wasn't feeling well enough to go out, but we sat and talked in her room for a few hours and she insisted on walking me out to the front door of the facility. I will never forget that hug. And as her health failed, she refused dialysis and just readied herself for the end of her life, making amends and saying her good-byes to friends, staff and family members. I am glad she could afford hospice care. I'm also grateful for our last phone conversation.

I miss her.

Oui!

2006-03-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.
The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!
Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...
You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.

What City Do You Belong In?

All the hard work pays off!

2006-02-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

It's gold for Apolo in the 500m. Congratulations! This is what I like to see from one of my favorite athletes.
See more pictures here. Also, congratulations to the USA Men's Relay team for winning bronze in the 5000m relay! Check out the pictures on NBC's Olympic website.

XX Winter Olympic Games in Turin, Italy

2006-02-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

Let the Games begin!
I can hardly stand it. One more day! My biggest challenge will be keeping up with all the news during the day and being able to focus enough at work! Also getting enough sleep, as I could probably absorb Olympic news 24/7! I am already reading all the press coverage of the athletes who have already been in Torino for about 10 days. I am anxious for the Games to start, so I can't even imagine how they feel after all the training and anticipation over the past 4 years since 2002 in Salt Lake City. I only have one thing to say - GO USA!!!!!!!!

Less than one week to go!

2006-02-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

This is a picture I took at the U.S. Olympic training center in Colorado Springs back in 2003. They have a clock marking down the number of days until Torino, which on that day showed 1059 (and 491 until Athens 2004 - which now seems like SUCH a long time ago). How time flies! I am so excited for the U.S. team and can't wait to watch the Games.

I haven't posted in a long, long long time.

2006-01-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

That's because not much is new. Christmas, New Year's, good thing that's all over. I went to San Diego for the Holiday Bowl and visited family.

So far 2006 has been uneventful, and very, very, very rainy. Usually it doesn't get to me, but it seems like it's been especially dark and dreary the past couple of weeks. Is it Spring yet?

But - the 2006 Winter Olympics start Feb. 10th! Yay! Something to look forward to. I wish I was going to Italy, but I'll just have to settle for watching at home. At least I have Tivo!

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-24T09:57:00.000-08:00

what I've learned

2005-11-01T12:23:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize getting around on crutches would be such a big deal. Here is what I've learned:

1. patience. Everything takes about twice as long as it used to. It's better to take my time than to rush and risk getting hurt.
2. stay focused. I can't even do something as little as scratch my nose while I'm walking. Walking, especially up & down stairs, requires my full attention.
3. planning. I try to minimize the number of trips up & down the stairs at home, so each time I go either way, I'm thinking about what I need to carry, etc. The same goes for planning a trip in the car.
4. how to adapt. I've adapted to driving with my left foot. It's either that, or rely on others to get me where I need to go. I've gotten used to driving the little scooters at the grocery store.
5. it's okay to ask for help. I'd rather ask than try to do something myself and not be able to do it. I've found that the employees at the store will actually bring my purchases to my car, which saves me a lot of time. Then it takes me a while to unload it when I get home, but then it also prevents me from buying too much stuff.
6. perspective. In the grand scheme of things, who cares if my carpets aren't clean? Things I'm not able to do, I've been able to let go of for the time being.
7. compassion. I'm sure this will be more evident after going to Vegas this weekend and using a wheelchair to get around, but just walking on crutches for the past four weeks has been an eye-opener to me. This is only temporary for me. I can't wait to walk my dogs again.
8. gratitude. I'm fortunate to be able to do so many things when I'm healthy - walk, run, bike, hike, skate, ski, etc. I miss doing things like mowing my lawn, doing yardwork, walking my dogs, shopping, and just walking around because I can. I'm extremely grateful and fortunate to be able to do these things and can't wait until my ankle heals and I can do whatever I want. I won't forget this.
9. independence. It was difficult at first, but I've found that I can take care of myself - buy & cook food, shower & get dressed, drive to work, clean my house, and take care of my dogs. People who become ill or injured and have a partner to care for them are lucky. It would be nice, but not absolutely essential for me, so I've managed.
10. attitude IS important.It's true. A dark mood can affect everything. It's all about my outlook, and it affects how my day goes. Also, I get sick of hearing myself complain, I am sure others do too. So for those of you who have had to endure, thank you. Hopefully, just a few more weeks of this....

welcome to my pity party!

2005-10-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

/commence pity party

I think the reason I'm such a big baby about all of this is basically because I have been so fortunate up until now in terms of illness and injury, so I'm not adjusting very well, and also because I don't have anyone to help me at home, so it's just really frustrating. I'm trying to be positive and creative but I really have my moments. Normally I'm really independent and strong (also stubborn as hell) and I don't let anything get to me. I've been through enough shit in my life that this is really no big deal. I can't wait for the day when I can just look back on all of this and laugh.

I've been on crutches for almost 4 weeks now. I made the mistake lastnight (while icing my foot with a bag of frozen peas) of holding up my 2 legs to compare them. I was shocked and upset by the size of my calf - it's just about shrunk to 1/2 the size of my healthy leg. That has never happened before, so it was not a pleasant sight for me. Sobfest number one. Welcome to my pity party!

What's amazing to me is that perfect strangers will tell me their injury stories, and I learn something from each one. It's like this automatic bonding thing - people see my crutches and they can instantly sympathize and relate. I know I'll get through it, but the littlest things send me off into a crybaby fit. Like this morning, I was trying to collect a urine sample from my dog (I took her in for shots & bloodwork on Saturday so the vet requested that I bring in urine for testing asap). So there I am, hopping off the wet, slippery wooden deck onto the bark and then hobbling around on the wet grass following my dog, who is already afraid of my crutches, trying to avoid the "lawn ornaments" and her looking back at me like "you stupid human, leave me alone to do my business!" Needless to say, by the time she squatted to pee, I couldn't get the container under there fast enough & dropped one of my crutches. Didn't fall, but still felt frustrated enough to launch into a full-fledged pity-induced sobfest right there in the middle of the lawn. Sobfest number two.

Oh well. Hopefully that will suffice as a frustration release for a while. I have to stop making a big deal out of the little stupid things. I mean, a little fractured fibula is really nothing to cry about. It's temporary, but yes, crutches are a pain in the ass. Minor inconvenience. At least I'm not the starting quarterback for Oregon, who broke his fibula last week & is out for the season. Kellen Clemens (Oregon Ducks QB) had surgery this week and he'll be out for 3-6 months. That just sucks!

/end pity party

Top 10 things about crutches

2005-10-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm trying to look at the positive side. Here is what I came up with:

1. good for turning off lights from 5 feet away
2. spider killer (got only one so far)
3. good for holding doors open
4. perfect for pushing things, like how I pushed the recycling bin down the driveway this morning
5. good for reaching things stuck under a bed or coffee table
6. great for eliciting sympathetic looks
7. perfect for pushing things out of the way so you don't have to bend over
8. although I haven't tried it yet, I suppose they could be used to trip someone
9. not that I'm a violent person, but I guess I could whack someone with them
10. good for shutting doors

yeah, not very exciting, I know. Got any better ideas?

Slippery when wet

2005-10-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

I see people riding bikes in the rain all the time. On Saturday, it wasn't raining while I was out running errands, and it didn't look like it would rain again, though the forecast said "scattered showers". I raced home to get on my bike for a quick ride. Okay, not MY bike, but the road bike I've been riding. As I got to the park about a mile from my house, it started to pour, and I waited for it so stop raining, walking my bike on the paved path. They have conveniently posted signs on all the bridges over Rock Creek stating how dangerous and slippery the wooden bridges are in the rain. Did I notice the signs? No. I rode slowly, as the park is just a shortcut I take to avoid the road construction on Baseline Road. My plan was to ride out by the Hillsboro Airport and then north to Helvetia or West Union. I crossed the long bridge, and at the very end of the bridge as it turns right onto the paved path, the bike just went completely out from under me. I got out from under the bike and noticed I couldn't put weight on my right foot. Ouch! I crawled over to the bike and picked it up, leaning it against the bench, got out my first aid kit and cleaned off my scraped knee. A guy came walking by and asked if I was okay. We talked for a few minutes and he said he had fallen on his bike at this same spot the day before. I managed to limp home, leaning on the bike, and pedaled a ways to get home faster, where I put ice on my ankle and kept it elevated. Yesterday it was more swollen and painful and bruised, so I stayed off it as much as possible, iced it and took it easy. Today it was even more swollen and my foot was like a balloon, so I decided to see my doctor. The x-rays showed a break, so I am going to see an orthopedic specialist tomorrow.

Here are my crutches and my lovely boot, and that's my new Livestrong messenger bag.
How I manage to drive wearing this boot is beyond me. I hope the cast is easier.

A perfect day...almost

2005-09-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

What a great day it was for the first Portland Livestrong ride. I drove to Nike in the dark, waited in the cold, and finally got to roll onto Murray Blvd. around 8:30 am for the 40-mile route around Washington County. I was tempted to do the 70-mile route, but maybe next year. Unfortunately, I didn't even get a glimpse of Lance Armstrong, Bob Roll, Eddy Merckx, or Phil Liggett during the ride or the post-ride festivities. Nike had the event so well organized that apparently I was taking advantage of the free massages offered after the ride when the cycling dignitaries were on stage. I'm determined to do the 70-mile ride, maybe even the 100-mile, next year, and raise a lot more money for the Livestrong Foundation, so save your pennies.

I didn't sctually see Lance, but I thought this would sorta make up for it. I walked around the Lance Armstrong building, which is an amazing facility. It's like a museum, with framed jerseys, huge wall-sized photos of Lance, and cases full of memorabilia like Lance's trophies, newspaper and magazine articles, even jerseys, helmets and shoes from his long career. I may post more pictures in a yahoo photo album soon.

I am amazed at how much fun I am having on the road bike I borrowed from my friend Deborah - it really kicks ass compared to riding my mountain bike. So overall, I'd say my top 10 favorite things about the Livestrong ride were:

1. it was amazingly well organized
2. free food
3. the amazing Nike campus
4. the gorgeous Washington county scenery
5. COWBELL!!
6. people cheering along the route
7. volunteers
8. more free food
9. a free massage!
10. MORE cowbell!

Unbelievable devastation

2005-08-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

The devastation in New Orleans and other areas along the Gulf Coast is just catastrophic. I am absolutely stunned and horrified by all the terrible news.

As with any tragedy, many people want to help. I have already donated to Petco's animal relief fund, and passed that link along to some people. I found a great resource which lists many charity and relief organizations that are accepting donations to help with this enormous and overwhelming relief and recovery effort:

Network for Good

My plan for dealing with this disaster is to 1) be very grateful I don't live in the South, 2) Donate what I can and 3) be extremely grateful and appreciative every day that I have shelter, food, water, and the comforts of everyday life that I don't ever want to take for granted.

winning bumper sticker du jour

2005-08-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

"Mission accomplished, my ass!"

Need I say more? Check this out.

back from paradise.

2005-08-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

I just spent a few days in Central Oregon staying with friends. It's like a spa vacation - I got up early, ate healthy, went for walks, went for a bike ride, had a massage and a pedicure. Saw Jack Johnson on Tuesday night, then drove back in time to see Coldplay on Wednesday, and it was back to work today.

Here are some pictures from Sunday's Bridge Pedal. I did the 35 mile route this year, riding over 10 bridges. I'm not sure if I'll do this ride next year due to the crowds and occasional rampant stupidity, but it does provide an opportunity to catch some great views of Portland.

Don't ride angry.

2005-08-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

So, I'm mad at myself. Today it was for not eating lunch, because I went to the Health Expo to get my stuff for the Bridge Pedal. I had planned to take light rail to work today & then go to the Twilight Criterium after work, but I left home too late. So, I drove to work instead. At 5:00 I went to the post office and then decided to see how bad the traffic was going west towards home. I figured I could park at Sunset transit center, get on the train & head back downtown to see the bike races. When I drove through where the races were to take place, it didn't even look like it was set up yet. It starts at 7 so I thought I'd have plenty of time to stop at home first. Well, it took me over an hour. So I didn't really feel like going all the way downtown again. It sucks, because I really enjoyed watching the racing last year. It's the closest thing I'll ever get to a peloton. I'm guessing being one of Portland's 18,000 people riding in the 10th annual Bridge Pedal on Sunday doesn't exactly count.

I decided to go for a quick ride. It felt good to be in motion, not just sitting in my car. Collecting my thoughts, I realized that today's date is August 12, and that twelve years ago my father passed away. So, I had a little talk with him. Told him my sister and I are doing okay and that we miss him. Our mother is okay too, but she's in her own world. I shed a few tears. Then I decided to put that out of my mind and enjoy the ride. While passing another cyclist on 231st, I got "the nod". It made me think about this unspoken code between cyclists. There is a slight dip of the helmet, and a knowing smile. It says "hey, isn't this fun? We're mature adults, but wow, we can ride this contraption, and it's like being a kid again!" All of a sudden I had the urge to go screaming down a hill on my bike as fast as I could go, stick my legs straight out and go "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Man, am I losing it or what?

It was getting dark, so at the last minute I decided to go the longer way through Noble Woods Park. The sharp turn I made on some gravel was a bad call. Down I went, swearing like a sailor, with my bike on top of me. I wasn't going fast, but I landed on my hip and elbow, and noticed a lump in my shin. Son of a bitch! I got up and washed my arm off in the drinking fountain, but everything started to go dark, so I slowly put my bike down and went to sit for a while and drink my gatorade. Guess I should have eaten.

I do the dumbest things sometimes. My dad was right about that. But I miss him anyway.