progress

It's slow, but it's there. I'm past the days where the shock of remembering was like a stab in the gut, which has been replaced by a dull awareness, a constant void. But there is less of an ache.
Today, I took her food and treats to Nature's Pet to be donated to Bonnie Hays Animal Shelter. I can't go to the shelter so I'm glad to hear they will deliver it for me. Last time I went there to donate Morrison's food, I left the shelter a sobbing mess after aimlessly wandering through to look at all the dogs and cats up for adoption. Wanting to take them all home, I left with none, and felt empty and sad. I can't put myself through that right now.

Yesterday, I picked up her ashes at the vet, and returned the special food I had bought there. I had learned that Dove Lewis doesn't accept food donations, which I found odd. Anyway the box is identical to the other two I have at home, except it is so tiny and petite. I hugged it to me as I talked to Carrie. I don't have any plans to scatter them anywhere. With my other dogs, it was clear to me that they should be brought to all their favorite places - Soda Peaks Lake, Trapper Creek, Forest Park, Cannon Beach, the park, my back yard. Raya didn't get to go to these places, except for the back yard.

One friend said to me "don't interpret this [losing Raya] to mean that it's not time for you to have another dog - it's time". But I am carefully considering the possibility that it wasn't time yet. I hadn't figured out what to do beyond what I did each day that I had Raya. I thought about puppy classes but hadn't signed up yet. I knew it would soon be too hot to leave her in my car if I brought her to work with me, but hadn't looked into doggie day care centers yet. Just as well. But if I get a puppy next time, I'll have to get all of this figured out first. This gives me time to do that.

Maybe it's really time to change some major things, like where I live, and where I work. These are the big, difficult things. I am not good at big decisions and don't make them impulsively. I can deal with little changes for now, the big ones I have to work up to. I'll get there.